Politics & Government
Our Sun is Losing Mass and Its Grip on Our Solar System
A satirical look at current events!
Our Sun is Losing Mass and Its Grip on Our Solar System: A team of researchers at MIT has confirmed that as our sun gets older, it is losing mass - which makes its gravitational pull weaker and the orbit of our planets expand. Sooooo, the all planet’s orbits are expanding? I though 2017 seemed like one hell of a long year!
Rebuilding Your Life After Leaving A Polygamous Sect: In a recent article, a man who left a fundamentalist sect of the Mormon church that still practices polygamy, discussed some of the difficulties he experienced while attempting to transition back into mainstream society after leaving polygamy behind. And while I’m certainly no expert on the subject, I would assume one the first thing an ex-polygamist might wanna do is scale-back his expectations a bit.
Find out what's happening in Malibufor free with the latest updates from Patch.
Genetic Disorder Makes Man’s Right Arm Supersized: A young German man’s genetic disorder has made his right arm supersized while his left arm remains normal, helping him earn eight German national arm wrestling championships as well as fourteen international championships. Well, on thing’s for sure - after his arm wrestling career is over, he’ll have no problem finding work as someone’s “right-hand man.”
Giant Potentially Hazardous Asteroid About to Whiz By Earth: An asteroid between 1600 and 4000 feet across is due to slip past Earth in early February, but NASA says there's no chance it will make impact as it will pass 2.6 million miles away. One thing’s for sure, even if this thing were about to strike Earth, nobody in Hawaii would ever believe it.
Find out what's happening in Malibufor free with the latest updates from Patch.
Trump Asked Stormy to Spank Him With Copy of Forbes Magazine: Stormy Daniels, the porn star who allegedly had an affair with Donald Trump before he was President, claimed that Donald Trump once begged her to spank him with a copy of Forbes Magazine. Spank him with Forbes Magazine? What the hell, weren’t there any copies of AARP Magazine laying around?
World's Confidence in US Leadership Under Trump at Record Low: A new Gallup poll of 134 countries showed a record collapse in approval and confidence in US leadership in the world - with the US now ranking below China in worldwide approval ratings. I frankly don’t get it. Hell, our President bangs porn stars - what’s not to like?
White House Doctor Gives Trump Clean Bill of Health: To nearly everyone’s astonishment, Donald Trump’s White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson has given the 6’3” and 239 pound President a clean bill of health. Really? He’s claiming this hugely obese man is in great health? I suppose next, he’ll be telling us that Trump’s not fat, he’s just “big-boned.” Now come on - everyone (including his biggest supporters) know deep down inside that Trump is completely full of crap - you’d think that alone would weigh more than 239 lbs!”
Study Finds Black Death Spread by Humans Not Rats: A new study suggests that one of the worst pandemics in human history, the Black Death, along with a string of plague outbreaks that occurred during the 14th to 19th centuries - was spread by human fleas and body lice and not rats as previously believed. All I can say is, after having his lost job at the White House and then at Breitbart, this new piece of information ought to make Steve Bannon and his supporters finally feel at least somewhat vindicated.
Study Finds Second-Born Children More Likely to be Troublemakers: A new study has found that a family’s second-born child is much more likely to get suspended from school, be involved in juvenile delinquency or end up in prison. After reviewing the data, family planning professionals are advising couples who plan on having large families, to forgo having the second child and move right on to the third.
Scientists Confirm Men Are the Weaker Sex: A new study concluded that men really are the weaker sex - because in times of famine, epidemic and hardship over the past 250 years, women have consistently outlived men. Yea, well - I guess there are different types of strengths and weaknesses. I just saw research which concluded women are actually the weaker sex - of course, that conclusion was based upon an “arm wrestling study.”
Poll Finds 81% of Americans Can’t Identify Single Living Scientist: A new poll found that a full 81 percent of Americans could not correctly identify a single living scientist when asked to do so. Well, that certainly isn’t true in my case. Hell, I’d know my proctologist anywhere.
Hawaii Emergency Management Employee Reassigned: The Hawaii emergency management employee who set off a statewide panic on Saturday morning by sending out a false alarm about an incoming ballistic missile has been temporarily reassigned. Emergency management officials are reassuring the public that everything is back under control and that the employee has been reassigned - to the tsunami emergency alert division.
