Politics & Government
President Trump’s Twitter Account Temporarily Deactivated
A satirical look at current events!
President Trump’s Twitter Account Temporarily Deactivated: US President Donald Trump’s Twitter account was deactivated for 11 minutes before being restored by a rogue Twitter employee who was in the process of leaving the company. And while some may find this amusing, it’s important to remember that this silly little prank left the Commander in Chief of United States Armed Forces with absolutely no way of conducting foreign policy for 11 long minutes.
Trump Admin Releases Report Saying Climate Change Human Caused: In a conclusion completely at odds with the White House doctrine, the Trump administration surprised everyone by releasing a comprehensive climate science report affirming that humans are the driving force in causing climate change. An administration spokesperson said this report will serve as a helpful guide for us to determine - which federal science programs and scientists need to have their funding cut immediately.
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New Wisconsin Bill Permits Toddlers to Hunt with Guns: Under a bill passed by the Republican state Assembly which removes all age restrictions, even toddlers will be permitted to hunt with guns in the great state of Wisconsin. Personally, I fully support the bill and think its about time. For far too long, these toddlers have been basically defenseless against all sorts of monsters which hide under their beds after their mothers turn out the lights in their bedrooms at night. Now, they finally will be able to take decisive action.
Monster Planet Found Orbiting Too Small Red Dwarf Sun: A huge monster planet, that’s far too big for its red dwarf sun, may force scientists to rethink their theories of astronomy. I don’t know about rethinking astronomical theories, but I am definitely starting to rethink why I even bothered to read the article.
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Trump NASA Nominee Refuses to Acknowledge Climate Science: During confirmation hearings for NASA Administrator, Trump’s nominee Republican Representative Jim Bridenstine refused to acknowledge the validity of climate science, even though the agency's Earth Science Program is a huge portion of what NASA does. I think the President was just confused. After all, NASA is a space agency, so the President probably assumed he needs to nominate a “space cadet” to lead the agency. An understandable mistake.
Donald Trump Jr.’s Halloween Candy Tweet Stirs Controversy: Donald Trump Jr. created a huge tweet storm after he posted a Halloween tweet in which he claimed he was going to take away half his daughter’s candy she got from Trick or Treating and give it to kids who stayed home in order to teach her about socialism. Yea - well, let me get this straight. Americans work hard to earn the money to buy Halloween candy - and then a billionaire’s son escorts his daughter around to all their houses and asks them to give her free candy! There’s definitely a lesson to be learned there, but I don’t think its the one he was trying to convey.
Donald Trump Jr. May Not Have A Grasp of Basic Math: Donald Trump Jr. created quite a stir after he flaunted his apparent misunderstanding of basic math in a snarky tweet about Common Core in which he seemingly confused "mean" and “median.” Guess he must have missed his basic statistics classes due to bone spurs. But no big deal, who needs math skills when you can just lie about everything?
Study Finds People Who Use Marijuana Have More Sex: A new study involving more than 50,000 Americans found that people who use marijuana tend to have more sex than those who don't use the drug. What a bunch of bull! Why, after I read this story, I ran right out and smoked a joint and then asked a woman if she’d like to have sex with me and she said “absolutely not!”
Dyson Announces Plans to Build Zero-Emissions Vehicle: British inventor Sir James Dyson is branching out from his bagless vacuum cleaners - announcing plans to spend more than $2.7 billion to build a swoon-worthy, zero-emissions vehicle by 2020 and hiring 400 auto industry veterans. Well, let’s hope it doesn't suck. It’s a good thing he’s hired experienced industry veterans to help him, because let’s face it folks - new cars just aren’t created in a vacuum.
Study Says 40 Billion Earth-Like Planets in Our Galaxy: Astronomers at the University of California-Berkeley and the University of Hawaii released a study saying there are likely around 40 billion planets with Earth-like characteristics that could support life in our galaxy. Yea, and can you just imagine how pissed off they’re gonna be when they learn that only “Earth women” are allowed to be crowned “Miss Universe?”
Typing Almost Completely Replacing Handwriting: According to a new research, the “average adult” has not written anything by hand in more than five weeks. Well - call me old-fashioned, but I still enjoy writing bad checks.
