President Trump Speaks to the President of US Virgin Islands

President Trump Speaks to the President of US Virgin Islands: President Trump turned some heads recently when he told attendees of a Values Voter Summit in Washington that he had just spoken to the president of US Virgin Islands,” which would actually be himself. One thing’s for sure, I’ll bet it didn’t take the President of the US Virgin Islands very long to figure out whether President Trump would score higher on an IQ test than Secretary of State Tillerson.

Kim Kardashian Claims She's Suffering From Body Dysmorphia: Kim Kardashian recently complained on her reality show that all those people body shamming her are giving her “body dysmorphia.” Gee, if that’s the case, its a good thing she’s not one of those people who’s constantly posting half-nude photos of herself all over the internet.

Feline Mayor of Alaska Town Dies at Age 20: Stubbs the cat, who was elected mayor of Talkeetna, Alaska in a write-in campaign way back in 1998, has died at the age of 20. My sympathies go out to the cat and the local townsfolk, but come on - this is a serious conflict of interest to put a cat in charge of the city’s dog catchers.

http://www.johnnyrobish.com

Sports Mag Calls Trump’s 73 Golf Score Patently Unbelievable: Golfing experts are expressing serious disbelief at the claim that the President shot a 73 during a recent round of golf with Lindsey Graham at one of the President’s golf courses. Yea, his score may be unbelievable, but then again, isn’t everything he says and does pretty much unbelievable? To put it in golfing terms, Trump lying about himself is “par for the course.” That said, he ought to be good at golf - hell, he spends more time golfing than most of the pros.

Yellowstone’s Supervolcano May Blow Sooner Than Thought: Arizona State University researchers, analyzing minerals in fossilized ash from the most recent mega-eruption of Yellowstone National Park’s supervolcano, have determined it may blow again much sooner than previously thought - wiping all life off the face of the Earth in just a few decades. Even so, I’d be willing to bet it’ll only take a few years before you’ll start to see Starbucks cafes slowly springing up and dotting the landscape again.

Geologists Debate Grand Canyon’s Age: A bitter controversy is raging among geologists over the age of the Grand Canyon after a report published in the journal Science claims the canyon is actually 70 million years old, not the commonly held belief that it’s 6 million years old. Oh for heaven’s sake, what difference does it make as long as it isn’t applying for a driver’s license?

UK Study Finds Women Secretly Turn Up Home Thermostat: A study out of the UK found that one-third of couples don’t agree upon what should be the ideal home room temperature - and that four in ten women report covertly turning up the thermostat behind their partner’s back. Sociologists say the only workable solution to the dilemma is for husbands and boyfriends to secretly purchase placebo thermostats which look real, but don’t really connect to anything.

Study Finds Emotions Better Understood By Listening: A new psychological study found that people are better able to pick up on the emotions of others by closing their eyes and simply focusing on the voice, as opposed to both watching and listening, or just watching them. Yea, and I find that if I close my eyes while I’m listening to someone, the emotion I most often pick up on is “pissed off,” as they assume I’ve fallen asleep while they are talking to me.

Trump Challenges Secretary Tillerson to IQ Test: After reports surfaced that he referred to President Trump as an “f-ing moron,” President Donald Trump challenged Secretary of State Rex Tillerson to an “IQ test” while talking to a reporter at the White House. I don’t know about the President being a moron, but I do think the fact that he spelled IQ correctly ought to count for something. Just ask yourself, how many people in Nambia can do that?

Interior Sec Zinke Worried About Removing Confederate Statues: In a recent Breitbart interview, Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke warned that if the country begins to remove all the Confederate statues, pretty soon “Native Indians” will want the statues of anti-indigenous Union generals removed too. I see his point. As Interior Secretary, he’s probably concerned that if we remove all the statues, where’s that gonna leave the pigeons?

Ditka Claims He Knows of No Oppression in US for Last Hundred Years: In response to NFL players kneeling during the national anthem, former Chicago Bears star and coach Mike Ditka claimed there has been no oppression he knows about in this country for the last hundred years. Perhaps someone ought to mention to him that oppression doesn’t typically happen in neighborhoods dotted with five and ten million dollar homes.

Brown Bear Invades Pasadena Neighborhood: Fearful residents os a Pasadena neighborhood expressed concern as a brown bear invaded the peaceful neighborhood. Animal control officers are confident the bear will leave the area soon and head back into the woods, because everyone knows that’s where bears must go - if they wanna go the bathroom.

Giant Squid Washes Ashore In Spain: A giant 30-foot squid, whose oversized eyes and gargantuan blob of a body make it look more mythical than real beast, washed ashore at La Arena beach in Spain. Wow, that sounds like one helluva serving of calamari.

Mexico Now Rated Most Obese Country: According to a recently released United Nations report, Mexico has recently overtaken the US in obesity. Fortunately, Donald Trump has once again pledged to do his part to make America great again.

Hidden Camera Captures Florida Man Having Sex With Dog: Police have arrested a Florida man after his new roommate caught him having sex with his dog on a hidden camera. The dog owner told police that the safest thing is, every time he’d come home and his new roommate would tell him he’d been “in the Lab all day,” he just assumed that meant he was a research scientist.

Brooklyn Man Claims PTSD After Toilet Explosion: A 58-year-old Brooklyn man is suing his apartment management company, claiming PTSD after his new toilet bowl exploded, sending shrapnel into his face and requiring 30 stitches that left a large scar. Now I realize all of this may seem really funny to some of you, until you realize that another fellow human being actually required 30 stitches in his face as a result of an exploding toilet - no wait, I take that back - it is still funny.

Most Americans Fearful Robots Will Replace Them: A new Pew Research Center study found that a full 72% of Americans are concerned about robots replacing human jobs. An Administration official is urging the public not to worry, pointing out that President Trump will figure out a way to deport all the robots. On a positive note - even if the robots do end up taking most of our jobs, at least we’ll soon have all those great jobs working in those coal mines which Trump promised to bring back.

Lee Harvey Oswald’s Ex Writes Book About Relationship: Lee Harvey Oswald’s ex-girlfriend is about to begin a tour to promote her book about she and Oswald. One can only hope she doesn’t try to tarnish his good name when he’s no longer here to defend himself.

Babe Ruth’s Pocket Watch Sells for $717,000: Babe Ruth’s pentagonal 14-karat gold pocket watch from the 1923 World Series has sold at an auction in New York for $717,000. One thing’s for sure, anyone who can pay $717,000 for a pocket watch has some really deep pockets to put that watch in.

Republicans Say News Media More Dangerous Than White Supremacists: In a new Fox News poll, an overwhelming majority of Republicans (69% to 18%), believe the news media poses a greater threat to the United States than white supremacists. Of course they do - they all believe that “white makes right.”

UK Study Says Fatty Foods May Increase Depression: Researchers in London who studied the diets of British civil servants report that a diet heavy in processed and fatty foods increases the risk of depression. On the other hand, they may just be depressed because they have to eat British food.

Three Americans Win Nobel Prize for Work on Circadian Systems: Three Americans have been honored with the Nobel Prize in Medicine for their work on molecular mechanisms that control circadian systems. Interesting achievement, especially when you consider close to half the country doesn't even believe in science. Hell, most Americans have to be wondering just what’s the point of giving out awards to people who probably can’t even dribble a basketball?

Trump Tweets Tillerson Wasting His Time Negotiating with North Korea: A day after his secretary of state said the US had direct communications to North Korea and was “probing” to find ways to resolve escalating nuclear tension between the two countries, Donald Trump tweeted that the secretary of state is “wasting his time” and should “save his energy.” While I’m no foreign policy expert, I’m guessing that means Secretary Tillerson ought to be taking the President’s lead and start spending a lot more time out on the golf course instead of wasting his time trying to avoid a nuclear war. Is it just me, or are Trump’s tweets starting to evolve from kind of crazy-funny to downright scary - at least for those of us who have hopes that planet Earth will remain habitable for the near future.

Over 11,000 Prepare to Evacuate as Vanuatu Volcano Erupts: A flotilla of boats were headed to the Pacific island of Ambae, Vanuatu, as efforts get underway to evacuate all 11,000 residents of the island because of an erupting volcano. In an angry early morning tweet storm, President Trump claimed this whole eruption might have been prevented if only political correctness hadn’t stopped local islanders from sacrificing a few virgins to the volcano gods.

HHS Secretary Tom Price Resigns Over Private Jet Travel: Fierce Obamacare opponent and Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price has resigned following numerous revelations that he had taken pricey private jets at the taxpayer’s expense to conduct official business. Gee, seems as if President Trump has appointed yet another pampered, self-centered, self-serving sleazeball to a trusted cabinet post - and now the public is paying the “Price.” Now, one can only wonder if Secretary Price will be eligible to take his health insurance with him to his next job?

FBI Finds 3,178 Embalmed Human Penises in Mortician’s Home: After receiving reports of missing organs and body parts, FBI agents raided the residence of a Houston mortician, and were astonished to find 3,178 embalmed human penises. All I can say is, I don’t care if she has served all her time, it’s NEVER a good idea to allow Lorena Bobbitt to work in a morgue. Now the big question is, will any of this evidence stand up in court?

Trump Adviser Thinks Americans Can Buy a New Car for $1000: Former Goldman Sachs president and Trump chief economic adviser Gary Cohn claims the typical family who earns $100,000 per year, can expect annual tax savings of approximately $1,000 under the President’s new tax reform plan, which they can use to renovate their kitchen or else buy themselves a new car. And of course Cohn’s absolutely correct - assuming the Trump Administration can somehow manage to take us back to that era where they all psychologically reside - the glorious 1950’s.

Scientists Discovered New Species of Giant Rat: Scientists, working in the Solomon Islands, have discovered a new species of giant rat - one with teeth so sharp, it can crack a coconut shell. So, they’ve discovered a new species of giant rat with extremely sharp teeth? Good grief, after months of nothing but political scandals, earthquakes and hurricane devastation, thank goodness there’s finally some good news.

Twitter to Test Doubling Tweet Length to 280 Characters: Twitter just announced it will test extending the text limit of a post on its service from 140 to 280 characters. What an exciting day for democracy! People will now be free to express twice the anger - and with hardly any additional effort.

Vision and Hearing Loss Linked to Cognitive Decline: Several new studies reinforce previous data which indicate that vision and hearing loss are telltale signs of cognitive decline. So if your eye doctor suggests you may need reading glasses, just tell her “What’s the point? I’m not gonna understand anything I read anyway.”

California Emergency Alert Announces End of the World: Some in Southern California were freaking out after television programming was interrupted late Thursday morning by a fundamentalist preacher whose message somehow got broadcast over the state’s Emergency Alert system, warning cable customers that the end of the world would be upon them on Saturday. I choose to look on the bright side, at least they aren’t announcing another rate increase.

http://www.johnnyrobish.com

Woman With Two Vaginas Turns Down $1 Million Porn Offer: A 27-year-old British woman who was born with two vaginas, has turned down a $1 million offer from a US adult film production company to star in one of their porn films. Ironically, this is probably the only person alive who could technically be both a prostitute and a virgin at the same time.

Rabbit Sets World Record For Dunking Basketballs: A 5-year-old Holland Lop rabbit, who was trained to dunk basketballs by his caretaker Shai Asor, has just set a Guinness World Record for rabbits with seven dunks in one minute. All I can say is, keep playing basketball like that and the next thing you know, he’ll be getting marriage proposals from the Kardashians.

Trump Suggests He Be Given Equal Time in Late Night Talk: In an early morning tweet, President Trump suggested that late night hosts are plotting with the Democrats against him by making anti-Trump jokes and that he should be given equal time. Well, I don’t know about equal time, but at least he should be given a cut. After all, he does provide all the material.