Scientists Say Space is Full of Dirty Toxic Grease

Strong Reaction to Red Hen Refusing Sarah Sanders Service: People are up in arms after the owner of the Red Hen Restaurant told White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders she couldn’t serve her and asked her and her family to leave. I don’t get Red Hen. I mean, it wasn’t like Sarah wanted to do something really dreadful - like try and buy a cake for some gay friends.

Bee Gees Frontman Barry Gibb Knighted by Prince Charles: Barry Gibb, the last surviving member of the 60’s and 70’s pop group the Bee Gees, has been knighted by Prince Charles at Buckingham Palace. Wow, sounds like Prince Charles must have gotten Knight Fever, Knight Fever - he knows how to do it. And sadly, because Barry Gibb is the last surviving member of the group, there’re probably gonna be some “Lonely Days, Lonely Knights.”

Scientists Say Space is Full of Dirty Toxic Grease: Researchers say they’ve determined that the Milky Way galaxy is just full of dirty, toxic space grease - the equivalent of nearly 40 trillion trillion trillion packs of butter. Now, who cares if the Milky Way is full of grease- I’m not planning on eating any of it anyway.

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New Oxford Study Says Humans Are Alone in Universe: A new study out of Oxford University, strongly suggests that humanity is all alone in the observable universe, putting a damper on the theory that there is intelligent life somewhere in the known universe. That said, many psychologists are disputing that finding, pointing out that we’ll never be “alone” as long as we still have all those Kardashian tweets to keep us company.

Cops Remove Beer Can from Skunk’s Head: Police have removed a Miller Lite beer can from the head of a semi-intoxicated skunk found waddling around near a fraternity at Miami of Ohio University. Needless to say, police report the poor animal was drunk as a skunk.

Data Shows Smartphone Thefts Doubled Last Year: New data is showing that smartphone thefts nearly doubled last year and will probably get even worse in the immediate future. Wow, sounds like you’d have to be stupid to be a smartphone. Better buy a dumber phone next time. You’ve heard of “too big to fail?” Well, my next phone will be “too stupid to steal.”

Benefits of Circumcision Outweigh Risks By 100 to 1: A new medical review published by Mayo Clinic makes the strongest case yet for circumcision, claiming circumcision benefits outweigh the risks by 100 to 1. I have to admit that the argument sounds pretty convincing, no matter how you slice it.

Pit Bull Alerts Sleeping Indiana Boy to Fire: An Indiana family's pit bull is being praised for alerting a deaf boy to a serious fire in his home by licking the sleeping boy's face until he woke up and was able to escape. Technically, the dog was actually a new sub-breed of pit bull known as a Brad Pitt Bull. Tragically, while the boy was able to escape the fire, its unlikely he’ll ever be able to escape having to grow up in Indiana.

Report Finds Bible Most Shoplifted Book Ever: A new report found that the Bible is the number one most-shoplifted book of all time. On a positive note, I doubt that the author is really gonna miss the royalties all that much.

Ann Coulter Claims Crying Children are Child Actors: Conservative pundit Ann Coulter argued on Fox News recently that the kids you see crying at the border on TV are simply "child actors.” Yea - well, if that’s really the case, I think its time those “child actors” think seriously about firing their agent.

Melania Trump Criticized on Visit to Immigrant Children: First Lady Melania Trump is taking harsh criticism over her visit to immigrant children while wearing a jacket that had “I really don't care - do you?” written in bold letters on the back. Good grief, who the hell’s our first lady - Melania Trump or Marie Antoinette?

US Admits No Sign of North Korea Dismantling Nuclear Program: US defense secretary James Mattis admitted he is unaware of any steps taken by North Korea towards dismantling its nuclear weapons program since the Singapore summit and does not expect any in the immediate future. I can totally relate! Hell, I a very similar type of agreement with my mom way back in high school when I promised I’d clean up my room just as soon as I get back from the movies with all my friends.

Trump Signs Executive Order to Keep Families Together: After an unprecedented round of bad publicity over his practice of separating children from their parents at the southern border, President Donald Trump finally gave in and signed an executive order to “keep families together.” Gee, this smells a little like the arsonist who claims he’s a hero after putting out his own fire. Meanwhile, Trump tried to reassure his base that he has not given up the practice of tearing children away from their parents and shoving them in cages, he’s just waiting till staff can cherry-pick a few more Biblical quotes to justify it.

World Health Organization Says Being Transgender Not Mental Illness: The World Health Organization (WHO) just made a major revision to its international manual of diagnoses which represents a major shift in the way transgender people are treated, declaring that being transgender is not a mental illness. Yea, but being obsessed with where the hell they’re going to the bathroom sure is.

Scientists Says Dinosaurs Couldn’t Stick Out Their Tongues: A new study concluded that most dinosaurs, including the fearsome Tyrannosaurus rex, couldn’t stick out their tongues the way many modern reptiles and birds do. This is why many scientists feel it would have been basically useless to try and French kiss a Tyrannosaurus - no matter how damn pretty you thought it was. They simply couldn’t reciprocate. On the other hand, few species were better at the art of being tongue-in-cheek - like the old joke which was quite popular during the Late Jurassic period “What’s the matter, Allosaurus got your tongue?”

Study Links Chocolate and Laughter to Heart Health: Two new studies presented to the European Society of Cardiology’s conference in Paris have found that chocolate and laughter are two of the best things around for heart health. So, if I’m understanding this correctly, it sounds like the best thing you can do to insure good heart health, is to ask a comedian for some chocolate.

Vaginal Steaming Gains Popularity Among Some Celebrities: Even though celebrities such as Gwyneth Paltrow and Chrissy Teigen swear by the centuries-old practice, most gynecologists say there is little to no evidence that “vaginal steaming” provides any benefit to the νagina. And while some may laugh at the practice of steaming, my guess is they just don’t want their vaginas all wrinkled-up like one of Donald Trump’s old suits. Which begs the question, is it proper manners to live stream a vaginal steam?

Connecticut Boy Brings 50 Packets of Heroin to School: Police say the stepfather of a 5-year-old Connecticut boy is under arrest after the child brought 50 packets of heroin to school for show and tell session. That said, the child’s classmates seemed quite impressed, pointing out that this was some of the highest grade heroin they’ve seen all year.

Toyota Halts Sales of Cars With Heated Seats: Toyota Motor Corp. has halted sales of some of its top-selling cars over concerns that their heated seats may be a fire hazard. Wow, seems like when Toyota says their cars have “heated seats,” they aren’t kidding! Frankly, I don’t think car seat heaters should come equipped with settings like “simmer, roast and fry.”

Trade Publications Say Home Grocery Deliveries Taking Off: Trade publications are reporting that companies offering home grocery deliveries, once big money losers, are now catching on and beginning to show a profit across the country. Nice to hear that even laziness is now a growth industry in America. Heaven forbid someone would be forced to get up off the couch to drive to the market to pick up a quart of milk.

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Study Links Marijuana Use Linked to Testicular Cancer: According to a U.S. study, young men who had smoked marijuana recreationally were twice as likely to be diagnosed with testicular cancer than men who have never used marijuana. If you ask me, the sad part of this is that even if they wanted to quit - they wouldn’t have the cojones to go through with it.

Law Banning Upskirting Fails After Lawmakers Vetos: A bill that would make it a criminal offense in the U.K. to take "upskirting" photos has been blocked by a single conservative of Parliament - even though the bill has the approval of the government and “upskirting” is already a crime in Scotland. Well, they wear kilts in Scotland, so I guess it becomes more of a priority.

Serial Killer’s Death Blamed on Bathroom Cleanser: An attorney for imprisoned accused serial killer said his client died after swallowing the bathroom cleanser Ajax. I don’t believe he really wanted to kill himself with the cleanser. I think he was just trying to “come clean.”