Sinkhole Forming on White House North Lawn

Sinkhole Forming on White House North Lawn: A small sinkhole which began forming on the White House north lawn this past week is being monitored by security to make sure it doesn’t pose a threat to the occupants and staff. Sink hole? My guess is it’s Melania - trying to tunnel the hell out. She probably figured it worked for El Chapo, so its worth a try.

Giant Predatory Worms Have Invaded France: Biologists warn that giant predatory Hammerhead flatworms, which grow to a foot or more in length, have invaded France. Now, I guess the only question that remains is has France offered its unconditional surrender and turned over all government functions to the worms yet?

Asteroid From Alien Star System Spotted Near Jupiter: Scientists say they have spotted an “alien” asteroid which they believe is from another solar system, and its orbiting our sun in the wrong direction. Now wait a minute - just how the hell is some asteroid from another solar system supposed to know what is the “proper direction?” There’s no directional signs out there!

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Campbell Soup Execs Warn Soup Costs Will Rise After Steel Tariffs: Campbell Soup executives warned that they expect production costs to rise dramatically because of Leave it to Trump to make even the “soup kitchens” unaffordable.

Denmark Proposes Law to Make Bestiality Illegal: A new law on the table in Denmark proposes to make sex with animals illegal, but even if it passes, bestiality is still legal in places like Finland, Hungary and Sweden. Now that really gets my goat. One thing’s for sure, next time some European tells me he’s an animal lover, I’ll know exactly what he talking about.

Trump Pushed Postmaster General to Double Rates for Amazon: President Trump has personally pushed U.S. Postmaster General Megan Brennan to double the rate the Postal Service charges Amazon and other firms who ship packages, a move which would likely cost those companies billions of dollars. So putting the squeeze on our allies isn’t enough? Now Trump wants to start a trade war against American shoppers? I’d be a little careful about that one Mr Prez, because if you really want a sure-fire way to piss off hard working Americans - just mess with our Amazon Prime’s free shipping.

Study Finds Chimps Beds Cleaner Than Humans: Scientists have found that chimpanzees have much cleaner beds - with significantly fewer bodily bacteria - than humans do. So, if you’re looking for new bedding, forget going to the mattress store - go see a chimp.

Trumps Says Undocumented Aren't People - They’re Animals: During an immigration roundtable at the White House, President Trump used extraordinarily harsh language to renew his call for stronger immigration laws, proclaiming “undocumented immigrants aren’t people, they’re animals.” Gee, the GOP sure has a peculiar Latino outreach agenda. Of course, Trump is only saying what he believes supporters are actually thinking - that is, if they had brains.

Poll Finds Many Americans Have No Retirement Savings: A recent poll found that a whopping 25 percent of Americans ages 46 to 64 say they have no retirement savings with 26 percent reporting no personal savings at all. A Trump spokesperson countered that “if people felt financially secure at retirement age, where would our Walmart greeters come from?”

Crime Suspect Wins Police-Sponsored Doughnut-Eating Contest: Officers say a man who won an anti-crime, police-sponsored doughnut-eating contest in North Carolina was arrested the following day after police realized he had been wanted in two suspected break-ins. Police say when the suspect was arrested, he had quite a lot of dough on him and his eyes were totally glazed-over - not to mention that there was a pretty big hole in his alibi.

Vogue Promises to Phase Out Skinny Models: Vogue magazine, perhaps the world's top arbiter of style, has vowed to no longer use models who are too young or too thin. Smart move from a marketing standpoint - because nothing sells clothes quite like fat, old people.

Gene For Forgetting Bad Memories Identified: Scientists say they have identified a gene that plays a critical role in memory extinction, the process by which old memories are replaced by new ones, which could lead to new treatments for post-traumatic stress disorder. Yea, well some of us still prefer to purge our bad memories the old-fashioned way - with Jack Daniels and water.

Amazon Echo Has Fewer Parents Naming Children Alexa: A new survey found that since 2015 when the Amazon Echo smart speaker came on the scene, fewer parents have been naming their child “Alexa.” On the other hand, new data show Beverly Hills gold doggers love naming their newborn daughters “Siri,” because there’s so little chance of Siri ever working.

Scientists Can Now Monitor Brain Activity of Bats in Midflight: Researchers have developed a portable brain scanner which lets them study what happens in the brains of bats as they fly. So they put a portable brain scanner on some poor bat? And then they wonder why bats go batty?

Scientists Say Universe Expanding 9% Faster Than it Should: A new estimate of the Hubble constant is creating a crisis of cosmic circles - new estimates indicate the universe is expanding 9% faster than it ought to be and scientists are not sure why. Yea, and so is Trump’s waistline - so what’s the big deal?

Scientists Say Time Travel is Theoretically Possible: A new study, published in the journal Classical and Quantum Gravity, says that while the ability to time travel will not be possible any time soon, there is no mathematical reason why we couldn’t time travel. Call me a cynical, but who the hell wants to blast themselves out hundreds of years into the future - to a time when all your damn credit cards are gonna be expired?

Study Finds Sex a Key Part of Life for People Over 65: A new survey revealed that sex is not only a pursuit of the young and carefree, but also a key part of life for adults in their later years, with 84% of men and 69% of women between 65 and 80 feeling that sex is important to a relationship at any age. While sex may be a “key part” of life for people over 65, you can just bet that a lot of them have misplaced those keys.

New Theory Suggests Toxic Flowers Helped Wipe Out Dinosaurs: A new hypothesis suggests that dinosaur’s need to consume huge amounts plants in order to stay alive - many of which were quite toxic, is partly to blame for their demise. I suppose if there’s one lesson we can all use here, its never accept a bouquet of flowers from a Tyrannosaurs.

Twelve Tons of Liquid Chocolate Spilled Onto Polish Highway: Polish commuters encountered a stretch of highway completely bathed in chocolate after a tanker truck overturned in the early morning. That's it - from this point on, I'm carrying a spoon in the glove compartment! Shame it didn't collide with a milk truck. Who knew that when you order “Rocky Road” in Poland - its served with asphalt? They conveniently don’t mention that in the tour books.

Bill O’Reilly Offers To Stand Next to Sarah Sanders and Handle Reporters: Former Fox News host Bill O’Reilly offered to stand next to White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders to help her handle reporters who get out of line. That would be terrific if he stands beside her. That way, we could hear all their lies in stereo.

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Two Studies Conform Neanderthal DNA Found in Humans: Two studies recently published in Science and Nature suggest that many modern humans in several regions of the world still carry up to 20% Neanderthal DNA. Scientists say there are two surefire ways to determine if Neanderthal genes run in your family. One would be to get a blood test - and the second (and most foolproof method) is to do a walkthrough of your entire house to see if you or any other family member has carved symbolic pics of elk or wild boar into the walls.

New Research Finds T-Rex Was As Smart As a Chimp: While the Tyrannosaurus rex is commonly known as the greatest predator, its never been known for its intelligence, but a new book by paleontologist Steve Brusatte claims that the beast was a smart as a chimpanzee. Come on, we’re supposed to believe that? I mean, who the hell’s gonna give an IQ test to a Tyrannosaurus?

Nationwide Thefts of Tide Detergent Reported: Authorities nationwide are reporting a huge spike in thefts of Tide detergent which are then sold on the black market. Its believed the money being laundered, but authorities are hoping the thieves will eventually come clean.