Politics & Government
Trump Blasts CIA Claim of Russian Election Intervention as Ridiculous
A satirical look at current events!
Trump Blasts CIA Claim of Russian Election Intervention as Ridiculous: President-elect Donald Trump is blasting a recent CIA report that concluded Russia intervened in the U.S. presidential election to help him win the presidency. Trump added that all his trusted advisors inside the Russian Foreign Intelligence Service assure him that the CIA has no idea what the hell they’re talking about.
Scientists Find Baby Dinosaur Encased In Amber: A paleontologist at the China University of Geosciences in Beijing have discovered the delicate, feathered tail of a tiny dinosaur which was buried in amber 99 million years ago. I have a novel idea - why not clone it, put it on a remote tropical island where it and its clone brothers and sisters can run free and then make an amusement park out of the whole island?
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Wildlife Officials Say Jaguars From Mexico Migrating Into US: The Arizona Fish and Game Department says a preliminary analysis suggests there is yet another new wild jaguar in the area, believed to have crossed over the border into the US from Mexico. Republican officials are expressing concern that if allowed to continue unabated, Mexican jaguars may soon start taking all the good mountain lion jobs here in the greater southwest.
Trump Retains Celebrity Apprentice Executive Producer Credit: Variety reports that President-elect Donald Trump will retain an executive producer credit for his NBC reality series “Celebrity Apprentice” after taking office. I’m not surprised. Hell, he could fill a entire season just by firing all the unqualified cronies he’s hired to be in his cabinet.
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Report Claims Trump Getting One Intelligence Briefing a Week: According to U.S. officials familiar with the matter, President-elect Donald Trump is only receiving an average of one presidential intelligence briefing a week. A Trump spokesperson countered saying “hell, he watches TMZ and Entertainment Tonight five nights a week, what else do you want?”
Sex Between Neanderthals and Humans: New DNA analyses indicates Neanderthals may have passed on a DNA fragment to humans, indicating a strong likelihood that humans did in fact have sex with Neanderthals. Scientists say they are extremely hopeful this type of research will one day provide an explanation as to what Maria Shriver ever saw in Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Threat Made Against L.A. Rail Line: Federal and Los Angeles officials said they had been alerted by authorities in another country to a "specific" threat against the city's Red Line commuter rail system, prompting them to beef up security and alert the public. Relieved LA officials say its a good thing that only public transportation was threatened, because there’s little or no chance anyone would ever use that anyway.
U.S. Plans to Make F-16 Fighter Jets in India: As a new American president bent on retaining American jobs prepares to take office, the U.S. defense industry is working on a deal with the Indian government to build iconic U.S. combat aircraft in India. On a positive note, if anything ever goes wrong with the plane, it won’t be a long distance call to get in touch with tech support.
China Group Readies Titanic Tourist Simulation: China’s Star Energy Investment Group has officially begun construction of a new, controversial tourist attraction in southern China, featuring a life-size replica of the Titanic, which they say will allow visitors to experience first hand what it was like to hit an iceberg. And should this venture prove successful, the company has plans to build another theme park centered around the space shuttle Columbia disaster.
Greek Shepherds Can Whistle Entire Conversations: Researchers say they were surprised to find that shepherds in a remote Greek village can whistle entire conversations, favoring whistling over spoken words because the sound waves travel much farther and allow them to communicate between distant hillsides. What’s the big deal? Hell, construction workers have been using whistling to get their point across for years.
Oregon Couple Tip Waitress With Crystal Meth: An Oregon couple, out to dinner at a charming resort town steakhouse, got themselves arrested for deciding to tip their waitress with an envelope full of crystal meth. The couple defended leaving the meth tip, pointing out that service there has always been notoriously slow and they felt this might be a good way to speed things up a bit.
Chris Christie Turned Down Multiple Cabinet Positions: According to a new report, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was offered multiple Cabinet positions in President-elect Trump's administration, but rejected each one. Guess he was just waiting for something he could really sink his teeth into.
