Trump Confirms US Will Quit Paris Agreement: Donald Trump has confirmed that he will withdraw the United States from the Paris Agreement on climate change, leaving the ranks of more than 190 nations committed to the international deal. When asked to defend the move, President Trump said that while he thinks Paris Hilton is a lovely girl, the United States has no business entering into a climate agreement with her. Mr Trump went on to add that he’s pretty sure he isn’t the first person who’s ever withdrawn from Paris Hilton a little early
New Diabetes Test Eliminates Painful Pricks: Scientists at the University of Michigan say they have developed a new diabetes test that can utilize tears to measure glucose levels and therefore eliminate the need for those painful pricks to the skin. Not to sound skeptical, but I suspect its gonna take a lot more than some fancy new diabetes test to eliminate all the “painful pricks” in my life.
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Donald Trump Confuses with Late-Night Twitter Covfefe Post: President Trump left many of his 31 million Twitter followers confused and slightly concerned after an early morning tweet that simply said “Despite the constant negative press covfefe.” Now I have no idea what the hell covfefe is, but I do know that if it lasts over 4 hours, I’m calling my doctor.
Huge Crack in Antarctica’s Largest Ice Shelf Nearing Breaking Point: A massive crack in one of Antarctica’s largest floating ice shelves the size of Delaware has increased by a stunning 11 miles this past week and appears to be ready to break off. All I can say is it’s a good thing Republicans have reassured us that global warming is a total hoax - otherwise, I'd be worried about something like a Delaware-sized ice shelf breaking off. On the other hand, I’m sure Trump just figures if you can’t build a hotel or golf course on it, what the hell good is it anyway? Besides, Trump’s closest advisors have assured him this crack is nothing but a fake - created by the crooked media who’ve gone and photoshopped Antarctica.
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Woman Jogger Repeatedly Poops on Man’s Home: A New Mexico man released a surveillance video hoping to identify the female jogger who has pooped next to his home at least four times since April and then goes on jogging. Well, at least you can’t say people in the neighborhood don’t give a good crap.
New Research Outlines Aneurysm Risks: New research has found that in people who may have a brain aneurysm - drinking coffee, having sex or even getting angry significantly increases the risk of the aneurysm rupturing. Wait a minute, you’re telling me those poor souls have to give up both coffee and sex - and then to add insult to injury, they can’t even get angry about it?
Mary Kay Letourneau and Husband Have Separated: According to court records, Vili Fualaau and Mary Kay Letourneau have filed for separation after two daughters and 12 years of marriage - in a relationship that began in 1997 when he was only 12 and she was his 34-year-old teacher. I guess she felt “this guy’s getting a bit old for my tastes.” On a positive note, should he ever decide to move to France, there’s a pretty decent chance he could be elected President.
Earliest Signs of Brain Damage in Athletes: Until recently, there was no reliable test to detect whether an athlete may have CTE brain damage, but a new test developed by researchers at Arizona State University tracks decline in verbal skills and vocabulary size is showing promise. One thing’s for sure, you aren’t gonna need especially strong math skills to be able to tally the vocabulary size of most athletes.
Trump Blasts Germany Again for Trade Deficit and NATO: Following pointed criticism from Chancellor Angela Merkel, President Trump once again blasted Germany over trade and defense, ratcheting up a dispute that risks undermining a trans-Atlantic bond that is the bedrock of US-European relations. Defending the tough stance,Trump Administration officials issued a statement warning that “the unrestricted flow of apple strudel into the US threatens to undermine the waistlines of every single supermodel in the entire country - need we remind everyone about the issues we had with Miss Venezuela several years ago?”
Lack Of Sleep May Cause Your Brain To Eat Itself: Scientists say not getting enough sleep can cause the brain to “eat up” its connections, while also increasing risk of Alzheimer's disease and other neurological disorders. Great, like I needed something else to worry about at 3 AM. On the other hand, this may finally explain what’s up with Trump when he’s blasting out all those angry, incoherent tweets in the middle of the night.
White House May Appoint Legal Team To Monitor Trump Tweets: According to The Wall Street Journal, the White House is considering appointing a legal team to police President Trump’s infamous social media posts as numerous investigations are being launched into White House officials. Yea, and while they’re at it, they might wanna think about adding a few psychiatrists to that team also.
Russians Grow Synthetic Voiceboxes for Human Patients: Doctors in Russia say they have just transplanted the first synthetic voiceboxes into two human patients. Yea, and if the surgery doesn’t work, good luck trying to say anything to complain about it.
Two South Carolina Men Forced Alligator to Drink Beer: Authorities say two South Carolina men face harassment charges after pictures surfaced on social media showing them pouring beer down the throat of an alligator. Local Humane Society officials report that the gator is doing fine and is now in a 12-step program designed especially for crocodilians and, with the help of the program, will take his 90-day sobriety chip in about a week.
Tennis Great Margaret Court Claims Tennis is Full of Lesbians: During a recent interview on Vision Christian Radio, former tennis great Margaret Court complained about gay marriage and transgender children being the work of the devil, then added that “tennis is full of lesbians.” While I have no idea whether or not tennis is full of lesbians, I do have a pretty good idea what Margaret Court is full of.
