Politics & Government
Trump to Donate First-Quarter Salary to National Park Service
A satirical look at current events!
Trump to Donate First-Quarter Salary to National Park Service: White House press secretary Sean Spicer says President Trump has chosen to donate his salary for the first quarter of the year - a total of $78,333 - to the National Park Service. So he cuts the Department of Interior budget by $1.5 billion and then donates $78k? I’m no accountant, but that sounds like “Trump change” to me. Please let us know when the check clears. I’ve heard the NBA really likes Trump’s checks because they bounce so well.
Report Says Cases of Pets Ingesting Marijuana Rising: The LA Times is reporting that incidences of pets ingesting marijuana in pot-friendly states is increasing. In the midst of this disturbing news, I’m happy to report that my cat Pikey has been clean and sober for nearly three years and is now helping other troubled cats to lead sober lives.
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Jerry Jones Says NFL Should Drop Marijuana Ban: Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones told a recent meeting of NFL owners that he believes the league should drop its prohibition on marijuana use. Mark my words, if you let Jones and the Cowboys implement this policy, pretty soon just about everyone in the NFL will want to be “keeping up with the Joneses.” And do we really want to replace all the cheerleaders with vending machines on the sidelines?
Dwarf Planet May Have More Freshwater Than Earth: In a startling discovery, scientists say there’s good evidence that the dwarf planet Ceres, the largest object in the asteroid belt, may contain more freshwater than Earth. In response, angry congressional Republicans are demanding to know why it is that “if dwarfs have their own planet with all that water on it, why are they still drinking up all of our water?”
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Paris Hilton Concerned Plastic Bottles Destroying Our Planet: Hotel Heiress and reality TV star Paris Hilton revealed she is moving from partying to philanthropy, as she begins crusading against plastic bottles, which she says are destroying the planet. Wait a minute - a totally plastic person coming out against plastic bottles? What the hell kind of world are we living in? What’s next, David Duke complaining about “White Privilege?”
O’Reilly and Fox Paid Out $13 Million in Harassment Claims: According to the New York Times, Fox News star Bill O’Reilly and the Fox News network paid out some $13 million to five women over the past 15 years to settle a series of harassment allegations against the opinionated host that included dirty phone calls, unwanted kisses and hotel room invites. Wow, that’s almost enough to make your head spin - right out of the “No Spin Zone.” Let’s hope his next book isn’t titled “Killing Witnesses.” Hell, between Roger Ailes and now O’Reilly, Fox may as well just bring in Bill Cosby to round out the line up.
Secretary of State Rex Tillerson Doesn’t Allow Eye Contact: The Washington Post is reporting that some career diplomats and underlings working under Secretary of State Rex Tillerson have been instructed not to speak to him directly or even make eye contact. And while some have criticized him for that policy, people need to understand that if you just had one eye located in the center of your forehead, you probably wouldn't want people looking at you either.
Company Develops Lab-Grown Chicken Meat: Health and safety issues have plagued the conventional meat industry for ages, and now a Silicon Valley-based food tech company claims it has successfully developed the world’s first ever “clean” chicken and duck meat through what it calls “cellular agriculture.” Good grief, what the cluck will they think of next? Now, the big question is - will a cellular chicken sell? And instead of dinner jackets, would we now come to dinner parties in lab coats?
Jeb Bush Urges Marching in the Streets Against Robots: In a recent speech, former Florida Governor Jeb Bush said millennials should be marching in the streets, demanding our educational system prepare students to compete with robots who will inevitably be taking most of our jobs in the future. In response, millennials were like “can’t we just get the robots to do the marching for us?”
