Trump Dramatically Shrinks Two of Utah’s National Monuments

President Trump Dramatically Shrinks Two of Utah’s National Monuments: In a move that marks the largest reduction of federally-owned lands in American history and opening those areas to oil drilling and mining, President Trump signed an order shrinking both the Bears Ears and Grand Staircase-Escalante national monuments. On the other hand, had there been images of Confederate Generals and politicians carved into them thar hills, Trump and his followers would have sent in the US Armed Forces to ensure the area remains a national monument. That said, the Trump Administration is insisting those areas will still remain national monuments - which is true I guess - only now, we’ll have to reclassify them as “monuments to fracking.”

US Microwave Weapon Could Fry North Korean Missile Controls: Experts say the U.S. has microwave weapons that proponents believe could stop North Korea from launching missiles by frying their electronics. Get serious! As if the American diet isn’t bad enough as it is, now we’re adding “fried North Korean Missile Controls?” Either way, we’re screwed. I mean, if the bombs don’t get you, the cholesterol will.

Manafort Caught Still Working With Russian Operative: Robert Mueller’s team is asking a judge to revoke Paul Manafort's bail after it was disclosed that Manafort - as recent as a week ago had been ghosting-writing an op-ed piece with a longtime Russian operative who has ties to Russian intelligence - an op-ed designed “to influence the public’s opinion” of the onetime Trump adviser. Gee, if I didn’t know better, I’d say Manafort must be using either Don Jr or Jared Kushner as his senior advisors. Obviously, he’s hoping to build a case to justify a Trump pardon, but mark my words - Trump will soon be tweeting something like ”Manafort? Never heard of him. Isn’t he one of Hillary or Obama’s friends?” My God, even the Coen Brothers couldn't come up with a script this convoluted and with this many complete morons. Yes sir, that Trump hires all the best people.

http://www.johnnyrobish.com

105-Year-Old Woman Says Bacon Is Key To Longevity: A 105-year-old Texas woman who worked a life of physical labor and mothered seven children claims that the secret to her longevity is bacon. Geriatric physicians caution bacon lovers that before they become too excited, its important to point out that the poor old woman apparently responds to nearly everything she’s asked with the word “bacon.”

Sen Grassley Claims Non-Millionaires Waste Money On Booze and Women: In an astonishing defense of dropping “estate taxes” for individual estates worth more than $5.5 million, GOP Iowa Sen. Chuck Grassley implied that non-millionaires not currently affected by that tax are basically “spending every darn penny...on booze or women.” Why that’s absolutely ridiculous! Now bitch, hand me that Shortdog Wine before it gets warm.

Amazon Delivery Driver Caught on Camera Pooping in Driveway: A contracted female Amazon driver in suburban Sacramento was caught in a home surveillance video pooping in the driveway of a home she was delivering a package. I don’t mean to take sides here, but in the driver’s defense - she was delivering toiletries after all.

German Tourist Feared Eaten By Cannibals: A German tourist who disappeared under mysterious circumstances on the South Pacific island of Nuku Hiva is believed to have been eaten by cannibals. While part of the joy of traveling is sampling the local cuisine, I can see where much of that enjoyment could be lost once you discover that YOU are local cuisine.

China Signs a $74 Million Deal to Import UK Pig Semen: The Financial Times reports that the UK and China have just signed a $74 million deal to export semen from superior British pigs to Chinese farms where the Chinese pigs will then be artificially inseminated. Good grief, sounds like a few lucky UK pigs will soon be in for a rather pleasant surprise.

Catastrophic Volcanos Erupt More Often Than Previously Thought: New data shows that one-thousand gigaton volcanic super-eruptions may happen much more frequent than previously thought, with scientists discovering they could occur as often as every 5,000 years - with the next big one is due any time. Gee, I never thought I’d say this, but Jim Bakker’s doomsday $500 “Bucket-O-Mac & Cheese” with the 25-year shelf life is suddenly starting to sound like a pretty good bargain after all. I mean, its either that or break into the San Diego Zoo and try and eat up all their antelopes.

Study Finds Prehistoric Women Had Extremely Strong Arms: Anthropologists say they have determined that prehistoric women had very strong arms on a thick bone structure - because of the extreme manual labor they were forced to perform on a daily basis. Really? Well then, all I can say is it's kind of a shame that there were as yet no jars that women would have been able to have opened for themselves back in those days. Guess they needed to be strong enough to fend off the Trumps and the Weinsteins of the day.

Facebook Asks Users to Upload Face Photos: Soon, you may be forced to upload a clear photograph of your face onto Facebook to prove you aren’t a Russian bot. Pro-Tip - don’t try fooling Facebook by uploading a photo of Donald Trump instead of your own. The software won't recognize it as human.

Trump Administration Facing Criticism For Ignoring National Parks: Environmentalists are heaping loads of criticism on the Trump Administration for ignoring our deteriorating National Park Service. An Administration spokesperson disputes the claim, pointing out that President Trump has even expanded out National Park system - by recently declaring the famed shopping district surrounding Rodeo Drive as the “Kim Kardashian National Park.”

http://www.johnnyrobish.com

Marriage May Help Reduce Risk of Dementia: Being married could help stave off dementia, as a new study suggests that single people have a 42% elevated risk of the disease. In related news, 42% of married people said they wished they had dementia.

Bird Organization Claims Cats and Not Wind Turbines Killing Birds: The American Bird Conservancy is claiming that its actually cats and not the often-blamed wind turbines who are killing birds, pointing out that cats kill 500 million birds each year as opposed to only 440,000 birds killed by wind turbines. And in areas where they use cats to operate the wind turbines - well, birds just might as well forget about it.

Sen Orrin Hatch Stirs Controversy Over Children’s Healthcare: Republican Senator Orrin Hatch caused quite a controversy while engaged in children's healthcare debate after he suggested he had a hard time helping people who “won’t lift a finger” to help themselves. Good point senator - its about time someone exposes those lazy-ass children. These little brats sure have a lot of nerve getting sick! Now its time get rid of those damn child labor laws and send those lazy little bastards back down in the coal mines where they belong. After all, somebody’s gotta pay for all those corporate tax breaks. Oh, and a - Merry Christmas from your Republican Party!