Politics & Government
Trump Pushes His Way to the Front of NATO Leaders
A satirical look at current events!
Trump Pushes His Way to the Front of NATO Leaders: People around the world are expressing shock at how US President Donald Trump appears to shove Montenegro Prime Minister Dusko Marković out of the way in order to get to the front of the line during a tour of the NATO Headquarters. OK, but in his defense, he may have thought it was the lunch line.
New Study Finds Chocolate Reduces Risk of AFib: A new study has found that eating a small amount of chocolate every week or so may decrease the risk of developing a serious type of irregular heart rhythm. Which is ironic when you consider that a chocoholic’s heart actually “skips a beat” when they see the stuff.
Cosmo Survey Probes the Popularity of Porn: A new survey by Cosmopolitan Magazine found that over 30% of men say they watch porn every day and a whopping 71% say they watch porn at least once a month. Good grief, if you want to watch gorgeous women using really nasty language, why not just turn on Fox News when they’re discussing Obamacare?
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Report Says Teen Births Reach Historic Low: According to a new report from the Centers for Disease Control, teen births reached a historic low, half of what they were at their peak in 1991. I don’t think it has anything to do with increased teen sexual awareness, I think video games just got better.
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Study Finds Tanning Can Be Addictive: A new study determined that tanning may be just as addictive as booze and drugs for some people. Not surprisingly, the research was carried out at “Brown University.”
Yellowstone Supervolcano 2.5 times Larger Than Previous Estimates: A new study shows the supervolcano beneath Yellowstone National Park is actually about 2.5 times larger than previous estimates, suggesting that an eruption could very well doom all of humanity. Scientists theorize it would be nearly impossible for most life forms to survive such a cataclysmic event, with the possible exception of cockroaches or perhaps a few of the Kardashians.
Fossils Cast Doubt on Humanity Originating in Africa: Fossils from Greece and Bulgaria of an ape-like creature that lived 7.2 million years ago may fundamentally alter the understanding of human origins, casting doubt on the view that the evolutionary lineage that led to people arose in Africa. So they’re now claiming humanity originated in Bulgaria and not Africa? Well, I guess it could have been worse, it could have been Cleveland.
T. rex Could Bite With the Force of Three Cars: Further solidifying it's reputation as the most fearsome of dinosaurs, scientists say when the fabled carnivorous dinosaur Tyrannosaurus rex took a bite, it did so with an awe-inspiring force equal to the weight of three small cars. Which is why I’ve always carried a Tyrannosaurus rider with my car insurance policy.
Toddlers Who Talk Early Associated With Drinking Problems: A new study determined that toddlers who talk early tend to develop a drinking problem later on in life. So next time your kids won’t stop blabbing away, its probably not a good idea to give them a beer to get them to shut up.
Pope Says Even Atheists Can Go to Heaven: Pope Francis made an extremely controversial statement by saying he believes anyone can go to heaven who does good deeds, even atheists. Gee, if atheists can go to heaven, wonder if that means popes can go to hell?
Copper Penny Sells for $1.38 Million: A one cent copper penny from the earliest days of the US Mint back in 1793 has been sold for a record $1.38 million at auction to an “anonymous buyer.” Hell, if I shelled out over a million buck for a lousy penny, I think that I’d wanna remain anonymous too.
Trump Boasted About Firing Nut Job Comey to Russians: A new bombshell report claims that during his meeting with Russian government officials last week, President Donald Trump boasted to them that he had just fired former FBI Director James Comey, whom he had described to the Russians as a “nut job.” I think President Trump’s may be a bit confused on that one. I don’t believe a "nut job” has anything to do with former FBI Director Comey, I’m pretty sure a "nut job” is something Russian hookers will do for an extra 20 bucks.
Kissing Bug Disease More Deadly Than Previously Thought: Researchers say that “Kissing Bug Disease,” named after an insect that likes biting humans around their lips and faces as they sleep, after which they defecate into the wound with feces that harbor an infectious and occasionally deadly parasite. Hell, a bug that bites you on the mouth and then defecates into the wound so you end up with a massive infection? All I can say is, good luck trying to get Trumpcare to cover that!
One in Four Americans Believe the Sun Orbits The Earth: According to a new National Science Foundation study, a full 26% of Americans actually believe that the sun orbits the Earth. Gee, if that statistic is true, the rest of us may as well all just walk right up to the edge of the earth and jump right off.
Researchers Say Dinosaurs Nearly Missed Surviving Extinction: An international team of researchers claim that had the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs slammed into the planet just a few minutes earlier or later, it would have hit in the ocean and not had the devastating consequences it had for the beasts. Scientists say a few minutes either way and the asteroid would have most likely instead struck downtown Cleveland - and not even the most ferocious of dinosaurs would have considered living anywhere near a disgusting hellhole like Cleveland.
Basquiat Skull Painting Sells for $110.5 Million at Auction: Joining the rarefied $100 million-plus club in a sales room punctuated by periodic gasps from the crowd, Jean-Michel Basquiat’s powerful 1982 painting of a skull brought $110.5 million at Sotheby’s, to become the sixth most expensive work ever sold at auction. Are you kidding me - $110.5 million for a painting of a skull? You’d think for that kind of dough, Sotheby’s could have at least sprung for some crossbones in the deal.
Our Milky Way Said to Contain 160 Billion Planets: A new statistical analysis based on a survey of millions of stars suggests that there's at least 160 billion planets in our galaxy - the Milky Way. Ironically, Milky Way candy bars are thought to contain at least 160 billion calories.
Melania Denies Trump Hand Holding Second Straight Day: First Lady Melania Trump has once again denied her husband’s attempt to hold her hand for a second day in a row on their overseas tour. Let’s give her the benefit of the doubt. It may just be his hand is so small, she didn’t even notice it.
