Politics & Government
Trump Supporters Warn Retailers to Shut Up About Trump
A satirical look at current events!
Trump Supporters Warn Retailers to Shut Up About Trump: After retailers such as Nordstrom and Neiman Marcus announced they are dropping the Ivanka Trump brand, a group of Trump supporters now say they will refuse to shop at those vendors. Yea, well excuse my skepticism, but it seems to me a bunch of Trump voters refusing to shop Neiman Marcus or Nordstrom would have about the same impact as Park Avenue residents deciding to boycott Walmart.
Navy Secretary Nominee Philip Bilden Withdraws: Trump Administration officials announced that President Trump's nominee for Secretary of the Navy, financier Philip Bilden, has withdrawn his name from consideration. Sources say the decision was made after careful analysis of several model ships the Trump Administration had asked him to assemble which were not considered seaworthy, even in small ponds.
Science Finds Oversleeping a Huge Dementia Marker: A Boston University Medical center study found that those individuals who slept more than nine hours per night are at much greater risk – 50 percent more – of getting dementia. Perhaps, but I’m not gonna lose any sleep over it. I mean what the hell are we supposed to do, pray for insomnia? One thing’s for sure, these oversleepers are gonna be in for a rude awakening.
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Kim Jong Un Had Half Brother Killed With Nerve Agent: Malaysian police say the chemical substance used to kill Kim Jong Un’s half brother Kim Jong Nam last week, was a banned nerve agent called VX, which is listed as a weapon of mass destruction by the United Nations. Why the nerve of someone killing their own half brother with nerve gas. I have half a mind to tell him so too. Instead of killing him, couldn’t he have just had him beaten up and left him somewhere half dead? But no, he had the poor guy killed when he didn’t even half to. Sad!
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Outbreak Of Brain Cancer Found in West Coast Raccoons: The Centers for Disease Control is reporting there is an outbreak of brain cancer in west coast raccoons which is being linked to a newly discovered virus. Veterinarians say the real tragedy is that a raccoon’s face will often mask the symptoms.
Customers Forking-Over Thousands to Hear About Past Lives: A high-priced Manhattan psychic was convicted of larceny after convincing her clients to hand over more than $25 million - telling them “they had past lives as Egyptian princesses and therefore issues with attachment to money.” Well, I suppose in her own special way, she really did help them overcome their attachment to money.
New iPhones to Map Faces for Authentication and 3-D: Apple is rumored be working on a controversial new camera designed to map your face in 3-D for the purpose of facial recognition. Yea - and good luck with that! Hell, as it is, Siri suddenly turns into Helen Keller almost every time I ask it something. And what’s with the 3-D pics anyway? Do they think our current, regular selfies aren’t narcissistic enough?
More People Getting News From the Web: Last year, for the first time in history, more people reported getting their news from the internet than from a physical newspaper. All I can say is, let’s hope this doesn’t mean people are gonna start spanking their misbehaving dogs with their computers now instead of a newspaper.
Police OK With Russian Teen Auctioning Virginity: An 18-year-old Russian teenager who successfully sold her virginity to the highest bidder ($37,000) through an online auction site has been given the go-ahead by police to seal the deal. So I suppose that means if you’re ever stopped by the cops for being with a hooker, you can just tell them “oh, this is just a little something I picked up at the auction.”
Milo Yiannopoulos Resigns from Breitbart over Pedophilia Remarks: Rightwing provocateur Milo Yiannopoulos has resigned from Breitbart News over comments he made in support of sex between “young boys” and older men. Gee, considering that its Breitbart - instead of resigning, you’d think they’d make him a senior editor or something. Oh wait, he already was.
Seven Earthlike Planets Discovered Orbiting Nearby Star: Researchers announced they’ve found a solar system just 39 light-years away from Earth that contains seven warm, rocky planets in orbit around a red dwarf star. Thirty-nine light years away? Fantastic news! Sounds like we’ve found yet another outpost to spread our “western democracy.” On the other hand, theoretically they’ll soon be receiving the first season of “Jersey Shore.” Expect Earth to be declared an enemy planet full of “bad hombres.”
Physics Teacher Receives Death Threats if Students Don’t Pass: A 50-year-old high school teacher in Buenos Aires said she’s received death threats, including a letter with a 9 mm bullet in it, warning her she would be shot if she didn’t give the entire class a passing grade in physics. While I don’t condone gun violence, in these students defense, they were just studying the “Big Bang.” On the other hand, I don’t think even death threats would have helped me pass physics.
Study Finds Divorce Can Cause Hair Loss in Women: According to new research, all the stress over getting divorced can result in hair loss in women. Now men, on the other hand, have already pulled out most of their hair long before their divorce is ever finalized.
Hitler’s Traveling Phone Sold at Auction for $243,000: A battered red phone once belonging to Adolf Hitler, which was used as his personal traveling phone - similar to a cellphone, has been sold at auction for $243,000. Hell, what’s the big deal? I paid almost that much for my iPhone 7 Plus. One thing’s for sure, if Hitler would have had to depend on AT&T’s crappy connections, the war would have been over before he ever left Germany.
Annual NYC Whiskey Walk Coming Next Month: The annual NYC Whiskey Walk will take place this March 4th, with participants enjoying the best of Ireland’s premium whiskeys at eight of NYC’s leading bars. Yea, well after hammering down Irish Whiskey at eight different bars, let’s just see how many of the participants in this so-called “Whiskey Walk” will still be walking!
Utah Republican Argues Equal Pay for Women Bad for Society: In a recent letter to the editor, the vice chair of the Wasatch County Republican Party in Utah argued that equal pay for women is bad for families and society and that paying women equally would ruin the makeup of a traditional family where “the mother” remains at home raising children. And to think that all this time I just assumed Jurassic Park was only a Hollywood movie and that all the dinosaurs were really dead.
Bill Gates Warns Bioterrorism Could Kill More Than Nuclear War: In a recent conference, Bill Gates warned world leaders that a genetically engineered virus is easier to make and could kill more people than nuclear weapons - and yet no country on Earth is ready for the threat. While acknowledging the seriousness of the threat, health officials say the virus is not expected to affect Mac users.
Scientists Discover Lost Continent of Zealandia Under New Zealand: A lost continent dubbed Zealandia, which submerged beneath the South Pacific 100 million years ago, has been discovered underneath New Zealand. When contacted about the matter, Ben Stiller said he has no plans to make a movie about it at this time.
Report Says 56,000 US Bridges Are Structurally Unsound: A new survey found that nearly 56,000 bridges across the nation are “structurally deficient” and need replaced. I’m doing my part, next Monday I’m having my dentist replace a bridge in my upper right jaw that’s over 15 years old.
Russian Family Criticized for Getting Pet Dog Plastic Surgery: A Russian family is being slammed after paying to get their dog plastic surgery so it would look more like the dog in the Jim Carrey film “The Mask.” I suppose about the only positive thing you can say about this situation is that at least the family didn’t insist that their poor dog look like Putin.
Santorum Blames Obama for Recent Rise in Anti-Semitic Crimes: Conservative CNN contributor Rick Santorum suggested that former President Barack Obama is to blame for rising number of anti-Semitic crimes taking place under President Donald Trump. Because nothing makes more sense than white surpremisist, racist, anti-semites looking to a former African American president like Barack Obama for leadership and guidance.
