Trump Tweets We Need More Global Warming: With much of the US inundated with snow and frigid weather, President Trump took to Twitter to say he thinks America could benefit from “a little bit of that good old global warming.” Now let’s see, if I’m correct here - his Mar-a-Lago estate is only just a few feet above sea level. Talk about “be careful about what you wish for!” If I were him, I think I’d make damn sure that top floor Trump Tower penthouse apartment is shipshape and ready to go - that is, unless he plans to take up scuba diving instead of golf.
New Dating App Matches Users Based on Their DNA: A new dating app called “Pheramor” is using DNA compatibility as a basis for its matchmaking algorithm, requiring all users to submit a cheek swab which a team of in-house scientists can sequence in order to determine which users might be sexually compatible. I guessing that after you’ve turned your love life over to algorithms and in-house scientists, about the only thing left to do is head out on that “let’s get to know each other date” - and pay for it all in Bitcoin.
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World’s Richest Became $1 Trillion Wealthier in 2017: While most of the world’s population still struggles to make ends meet, new data shows that the world’s richest individuals increased their wealth by a staggering $1 trillion in 2017. Yea, its called “trickle-down economics,” and quite frankly - I find it strangely comforting to know the rich are “trickling-down” on us.
Claire's Pulls 17 Makeup Products Over Asbestos: National retailer Claire’s has yanked 17 products in a makeup kit after a diligent mom who bought them for her 6-year-old daughter - had them tested and discovered they contained asbestos. On a positive note, a child wearing this makeup should be well protected in the event of a house fire.
Find out what's happening in Malibufor free with the latest updates from Patch.
Apple's Board Insisting CEO Tim Cook Fly Private Jets: Apple's board of directors is now making CEO Tim Cook fly on private aircraft when he travels, whether it's for work or pleasure - claiming it’s in the interest of security and efficiency. Well, at least now the poor guy won’t be bothered by some jerk sitting next to him and talking too loud on their iPhone. On the downside, I’ll bet his baggage and carry-on fees probably went up. Lucky Apple had a pretty good year - those baggage fees are getting almost as steep as Apple products.
Study Finds Sore Joints Aren’t Caused by Bad Weather: Researchers from Harvard Medical School say the old folk tale that bad weather prompts aches and pains in bad joints just isn’t supported by the evidence. Now I don’t know about that, but I do know I’ve smoked some really bad joints in some good weather.
Trump Advisor Claims Obama Threw Baby Jesus Out of White House: During an appearance on the Fox News Channel, Donald Trump‘s “spiritual advisor” Paula White celebrated Christians’ victory in the War on Christmas, by saying that President Trump is allowing the baby Jesus back into the White House after Obama threw him out. Perhaps, but I suspect that after Jesus takes a look around and sees all the neo-Nazis and White Supremisists Trump brought in, I’m not too sure he’ll wanna spend a lot of time hanging out there anyway.
New Blood Test Can Accurately Diagnose Celiac Disease: Celiac disease is an autoimmune disorder that affects only one percent of the US population, but a new blood test promises to detect once and for all, if someone actually has immune cells in their blood - even if they’ve not recently been exposed to gluten. First customers for the tests are expected to be restaurant servers - who will administer them to whining, gluten-free customers to determine if they truly have Celiac disease or are simply obnoxious, trendy, jerk-off hipsters trying to impress their friends.
L.A. Goes Crazy After ‘UFO' Lights Up The Sky: Angelenos thought the end was near this past Friday when they looked up and saw something that appeared to be an iridescent alien ship exploding across the sky. Time to calm down people! It was just Santa making a practice run - although I’m the first to admit that I initially thought it might be a giant condom.
Drunk Driver Leads Cops on Car Chase to Finish Big Mac: A drunken Ohio man admitted to police that he led them on a car chase in order to buy enough time to finish the Big Mac he had just purchased. Police say he was driving so fast, it was hard to catsup with him, but I guess that’s what happens when you get that pickled.
Woman Stabs Husband With a Ceramic Squirrel: A South Carolina woman is under arrest for stabbing her common-law husband in the chest with a ceramic squirrel after he returned home without any beer on Christmas Eve. All can say is - this guy’s damn lucky the squirrel didn't go for his nuts!
