White House Admits Trump Weighed In on Son's Misleading Statement

White House Admits Trump Weighed In on Son's Misleading Statement: White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders admitted that President Trump "weighed in" on the misleading statement issued by his son, but denied that the President dictated his son's statement. Hell, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that if you want Trump to own up to writing the statement, all you have to do is tell him it was “brilliantly written.”

NASA Hiring Planetary Protection Officer to Defend Earth from Aliens: NASA is seeking to hire a full-time “planetary protection officer,” a job which pays $187,000 and will involve ensuring that humans in space do not contaminate planets and moons, as well as ensuring alien matter does not infect the Earth. My question is, how would you measure job performance on a gig like that? Anyway, I understand Randy Quaid is looking for a job. Just hand him a lightsaber and set him loose.

Kanye West Sues Lloyd’s Over Canceled Tour Insurance: Rapper Kanye West has filed a $10 million lawsuit against Lloyd’s of London, alleging that Lloyd’s is withholding paying out claims from the rapper’s canceled Saint Pablo tour which was abruptly ended after West began delivering bizarre rants about Jay-Z, Beyoncé and then-president-elect Donald Trump before finally checking into a UCLA psychiatric facility. The way I look at it, Lloyd’s actually insured Kanye West? Now you tell me who’s crazy.

http://www.johnnyrobish.com

Putin Orders 755 Personnel Cut From U.S. Missions: In response to new U.S. sanctions, Russian President Vladimir Putin ordered that the U.S. diplomatic missions in Moscow and elsewhere in the country will have to cut 755 staff members. Putin said under his new directive, senior diplomatic staff will be cut with sharp, pointy objects, while lower functionaries will only receive paper cuts.

Outback Steakhouse Accused of Being Satanic: Outback Steakhouse is facing a PR nightmare after a fundamentalist Christian went on Twitter and posted a graphic with lines drawn connecting Outback Steakhouse locations in several cities that appeared to some to form a pentagram, causing many Christians to conclude that the restaurant chain is satanist. The situation only worsened at a press conference Outback called to deny the allegations when someone called out “you’re devil worshipers” and the Outback spokesperson yelled back “like hell we are!”

Regular Alcohol Drinkers Have Lower Risk of Diabetes: According to a new study that looked at more than 70,000 Danish people, those who drink small to moderate amounts of alcohol on a frequent basis are less likely to develop diabetes than people who don't drink at all. Now, of course I’m no medical professional, but just on the surface - I’d have to say drinking sounds like it would be a hell of a lot more fun than diabetes.

Scaramucci Asks People to Keep His Family in Their Prayers: In response to news stories about his wife filing for divorce shortly after he took the job as president Trump’s Communications Director, Anthony Scaramucci is asking everyone to keep his family in their thoughts and prayers. Oh, he and the rest of the Trump Administration are most definitely in our prayers, but I’m not quite sure he’d be all that happy about what we’ve been praying for.

Tech Company Workers Agree to Have Microchips Implanted in Hands: Workers at a company in Wisconsin will soon be getting microchips surgically implanted in their hands, which will allow them to enter the office, log into computers or even buy a snack or two - all by just a swipe of the hand. Wow, I’m sure George Orwell would be proud. Of course the only downside is - should you get laid-off, they’ll need to cut off your hand to get their chip back.

Muslim Man Sues Little Caesars for $100M over Pork on Pizza: A Muslim man in Michigan is suing Little Caesars for $100 million, claiming he was served pepperoni made with pork, which is a food prohibited by Islamic law. Meanwhile, a Little Caesars spokesperson says we don’t believe he has a legitimate beef with our pepperoni.

Anthony Scaramucci’s Wife Files for Divorce: Anthony Scaramucci’s wife of three years is reportedly fed up with his ruthless quest to get close to President Trump - whom she reportedly despises - and has filed for divorce from the new White House communications director. Rumor has it her attorneys are asking that the country be included in the divorce settlement. Anyway, it might be a good idea for someone to let Ann Coulter know the Mooch is available. Of course, if everything else fails, his boss can always set him up with a couple of hot Russian hookers.

New Drug Approved for Curved Penis Condition: Men with a condition that causes a curvature of the penis now have a drug treatment option that has been approved by the Food and Drug Administration. I once knew a guy who had this condition - and, to no one’s surprise, the car he drove was a Bentley.

Trump Once Summoned Priebus and Ordered Him to Kill a Fly: The Washington Post is reporting that President Trump once summoned Chief of Staff Reince Priebus to his office and ordered him to kill a fly that was buzzing around the room. Those present say the situation quickly turned ugly when Reince immediately started swatting Kellyanne with a flyswatter.

Slug Mucus Glue That Stops Internal Bleeding Created: Scientists say a sticky slug mucus has been used to create a glue that can stop internal bleeding by binding biological tissues together - even if they are wet. So let me get this straight, you’re bleeding internally because you’ve taken a slug from a 45 caliber revolver, and then you’re saved because you’ve taken another slug and used its mucus to stop the bleeding? Now if you’ll excuse me, I believe its about time for a slug of Jack Daniels.

Hannity Denies Spending $42,000 on Lobster at Trump Restaurant: Conservative Trump booster Sean Hannity is denying a report leaked by a waiter that he blew $42,000 at a Trump restaurant on a 70-year-old lobster which they had flown in from Maine for his dinner. Anyway, now that that issue has been resolved, time to get back to ranting about all the out-of-touch, Prius-driving, latte-sipping, liberal elites ruining this country.

Half Our Bodies’ Atoms Formed Beyond Milky Way: Astronomers say nearly half of the atoms that make up our bodies may have formed beyond the Milky Way and traveled to our solar system on intergalactic winds driven by giant exploding stars. Yea, and a good portion of the other half of our bodies formed because we ate too many Milky Ways.

http://www.johnnyrobish.com

Man Accused of Smuggling King Cobras in Potato Chip Canisters: A Los Angeles man has been arrested after federal prosecutors say he arranged to smuggle three highly venomous king cobra snakes into the United States hidden in potato chip canisters. What I wanna know is, who’s job was it to stuff the snakes into the potato chip canisters? Talk about coming through when the chips are down. I suppose it goes without saying that he told the snakes “I bet you can’t eat just one.”

Western Men’s Sperm Counts Halved in Last 40 Years: Research indicates sperm counts among Western men have been reduced by more than half in the last 40 years, and scientists are struggling to determine why. Frankly, I’m less curious about what’s causing the drop as I am to know just who the hell’s been doing the counting all this time.

Penis Pumps Cost Government $172 Million: The Department of Health and Human Services reports that Medicare spent $172.4 million on 474,000 claims for vacuum erection systems (penis pumps) for senior citizens from 2006 to 2011. Well, I guess that’s one way to “pump” cash into a “limp” economy.