Offer of a Lifetime

My wife has all the luck.  Yesterday, in the mail, she received an offer from the Neptune Society inviting her to enter a contest with the winning prize being a free pre-paid cremation.  Imagine, a competition not to win money, a car, or a free meal, but one in which the lucky individual can be assured, without charge, of leaving the planet in an environmentally friendly fashion.  How thoughtful and altruistic can these people be! I’m not sure what her odds of winning are, but still this is a contest that one needs to enter. Imagine the relief it must be to the winner knowing, in one’s final moments, that he or she will experience a free roasting to presage one’s travel to the promised land. I, on the other hand, always the one feeling left out, will have to stress about what will follow my demise; what will be the costs to send me on my way, given the need to figure in inflation, new equipment expenses, the company’s research and development fees, corporate bonuses, and advertising expenditures. I mean, prior to this mailing I focused on the harmony and beauty of life in the Palisades; now all I see are dollar signs and charcoal.  Good thing that barbeque season is almost over.

Well, I’ll keep checking the mail, for I am older than my wife, and I can’t believe that the Neptune Society will overlook my existence. After all, fair is fair, and I deserve my chance to win the grand prize. That is, unless the suits have another plan for me.