For Some Kids, Summer Means Vacation From Bullies

A Pleasanton mother’s diary detailing her son's harassment by a school classmate is sobering.

Barrages of curse words, taunts, scratches, punches, the choke-holds, even some vandalism to her home, are the work of one 10-year-old boy, she says.

The mother, who Patch is not identifying to protect her child's confidentiality, said her son’s dismal school year has taken a toll.

“We are concerned that he's only 9 and has had ideas of suicide," she said.

 “He's had nightmares of killing himself, has become infatuated with guns, begun talking about things that kill people. It's very concerning to us.”

If only the age-old “there’s comfort in numbers” adage were true, as this boy is far from alone:  15 percent to 25 percent of U.S. students categorize themselves as "bullied."

But there is a bright spot: summer.

“We are looking forward to the summer break,” said the mother.

“Definitely, any time there’s a break is a good time for parents to be checking in on what stress reactions are showing up in a kid’s life,” said East Bay family therapist George Papageorge.

Bully-proofing a child isn’t a simple two-month fix. But the downtime of summer, coupled with the break from classroom tormentors, is an opportunity to hone assertiveness in children.

“We want to keep in mind this is an issue of powerlessness,” said Papageorge, who has counseled hundreds of bullied adolescents in his 23 years of practice.

 “Good summer camps, scouts, youth groups and strategic play dates” can plug youngsters into positive peer experiences, he added.

Be it cyber, sexual, psychological or the sticks-and-stones schoolyard variety, kid-on-kid harassment is a hot topic, of late, with national summits, task forces and media campaigns from the White House to the Major Leagues to the local library.

The San Francisco Giants  broke new ground last week, as the first sports pros to speak out against homophobic hatred and bullying in a video.

While unveiling his Oval Office stop-bullying agenda last fall, even President Obama shared his fleeting suicidal thoughts and painful recollections of childhood teasing for his prominent ears and unusual name.

Are there too many riding this no-bully bandwagon? Isn’t this normal kid stuff? No, say experts backed by grim statistics.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention studies, one in four middle schoolers  and 15 percent of high schoolers report being bullied, with the accompanying fallout of depression, depleted self esteem, substance abuse, rage killing sprees or suicides.

“It’s rampant,” Papageorge said.

Complicating the issue, he added, is a psychological component to bullying that correlates with the adolescent brain’s self-consciousness.

The wobbly self esteem of teens and tweens fuels the put-downs, he said. “The smaller you are, the bigger I am. The nerdier you are, the cooler I am,” is the motivating mentality of bullying, he said.

What's the School's Role?

“Bullying, at no time, should ever be justified as a ‘rite of passage’ or ‘part of growing up,’ " said Kevin Johnson, senior director of pupil services for the Pleasanton Unified School District, which has a 35-page policy addressing pupil behavior.

“It is important that as a community, parents and teachers not ever look the other way,” he said.

Johnson said parents should notify school authorities of volatile behavior. He is a staunch believer that peaceful resolutions are possible if kids, and parents in particular, are open-minded.

That wasn't the experience of the Pleasanton mother Patch interviewed.

While Johnson stands by PUSD’s policies and Papageorge said he has witnessed school intervention promptly snuffing out bad behavior, the Pleasanton mom says her experience was quite the opposite.

Meetings with administration and the boy's family went nowhere, she said.

In face-to-face meetings, she said, the boy's parent denied there was a problem.

 In her timeline, the mother describes walks home from school and sporting events where the boy  – and his mother – jeered as they drove by or glared at her family. 

If there are physical altercations going forward, she vows to skip school notification or polite emails to the boy’s parents and says she will call police.

If an alleged bully's family isn't cooperative, Papageorge advises victims to adopt a new game plan. Tap other cooperative adults, if possible, such as teachers, yard duty staff or other parents who may have witnessed troubling incidents.

It's helpful, he added, if parents break down infractions in concrete, measurable terms that are easier for children to grasp and possibly manage on their own.

"We are not OK with Johnny tripping Jimmy. We are not OK with Johnny pulling the hoodie over Jimmy. Versus: Johnny is mean to Jimmy," Papageorge said.

 And for parents struggling with offspring whose passiveness may be making them easy targets, he offers suggestions, including:

• Martial arts, which hits a bulls-eye with its calm, empowering mentality.
• Yoga can enable children to relax and let go of stress.
• Role play with kids to rehearse scenarios.
• Keeping a stable home environment "conveys a sense of ‘I’m with you through it.’ ’’ 
• Minimize the drama. While parents should acknowledge their children’s pain, extreme focus or incessant discussion of each transgression can exacerbate kids’ anxiety.
• If parents are too emotionally connected, professional counseling adds a third-party view.

The Pleasanton mother has requested the two boys be placed in different classrooms in the fall, and she is focusing the summer on boosting her child’s confidence with new playmates and martial arts.

“There's a lot of growth needed in (my son's) self-esteem before things will get better,” she said.

To see a list of books the Pleasanton Public Library has on bullying, read this .

To read what one young bullying victim has to say about his experience, read this blog item on Castro Valley Patch. 

Additional information can be found at:

www.stopbullying.gov

www.itgetsbetterproject.com

www.thetrevorproject.org

www.matthewshepard.org

www.stopcyberbullying.org