THERAPIST THURSDAY: Goals Part 3: How Our Minds Get in the Way!

...and what we can do about it.

I was recently talking with a teen girl who is a hard worker with excellent grades. She has a goal to own a home by the beach. Then she said something about that being unrealistic and that she probably needed to lower her expectations. This girl comes from a modest background, and to her, the goal seemed too far from what she knows and where her comfort level is for her to consider it to be an achievable goal. If this same girl who works hard and achieves success in school had grown up in a home by the beach, she would have a completely different perspective on the topic. Owning her own home by the beach would seem feasible and would not feel like it was unachievable. We are talking about the exact same person, however the idea of what is achievable is completely different. Why is this?

We tend to think of possibilities only within a certain distance from our current circumstances. We all have a comfort zone depending on what we are familiar with, and we will venture away from that to a certain degree, but then we reach a point where it is no longer within that comfort zone. At that point, the next goal would seem unattainable. For example, if a person’s goal was to obtain a higher education, they may see themselves as able to achieve a bachelor’s degree, but no higher, if they were not raised around people with a college education. If a person wants to own their own business, but has no examples of that within their family, it may seem unrealistic to them. We all create glass ceilings for ourselves in our own minds. Whether we are aware of it or not, it is there. Until we begin to recognize this and challenge those limits, we are not likely to achieve beyond our comfort zone.

So, how do we do this? There are several important pieces necessary to successfully shatter this glass ceiling we set for ourselves. The first thing to do is notice that it exists. Once we do, we can begin to examine the thoughts associated with these limits. I suggest writing the thought down every time they come. Things like, “I can’t get an A in this class; it’s too hard”, “a home by the beach is too expensive and I will never make that much money”, “going to college is not realistic for me”, “I can’t save money, I’m a spender”, “I’m not smart enough to get that promotion.” When we notice the thoughts, we can DECIDE if we will accept them or not. What I asked the young lady in the example above was, “how many people do you think own houses by the beach? And do you think they are ALL smarter than you? Harder working than you? More capable than you?” Once she started to think of it this way, she was able to challenge these thoughts and replace them with, “all I have to do is work hard and I can accomplish my goals” and “I am smart and I can continue to achieve in school”. Once you identify the thought that is in your way, write down a new thought. Then every time you have the old thought, replace it with the new one.

Another really important aspect of changing those limits for ourselves is to find examples of people who have achieved what you are trying to accomplish, and to surround yourself with those who are also reaching for the same goal. The more similar these people seem to you, the more the fact that they accomplished the same goal will begin to make it feel possible that you can do the same. So, I encourage you to find mentors, get support, join an online or in person group of people who have the same goal. Talk with the person who has already accomplished the goal. Ask them to be your mentor. Talk about the struggles you have as you have them so they are not able to grow. This will allow you to problem solve and find solutions for the obstacles that come up along the way, it will stop those obstacles from growing in your own mind, and it will increase your feeling of empowerment and possibility. Ask for advice when you need it. Admit the challenges when they come and get support from that person. It is likely that they have experiences a similar struggle in their journey for success. Having a mentor who is similar to you, an example of what you are trying to accomplish, will go a long way in helping you feel like the goal is more attainable.

And finally, create accountability and transparency. By this I mean allow others to know what you are doing and what your goals are. Create a plan that makes you report to others or to yourself. If you know you have to tell your friend or your mentor, or even an online group with similar goals, if you did that next step you were working on, you are much more likely to get it done. There are many ways available these days to create this accountability and transparency. There are wonderful apps for everything from working out, eating healthy, and planning finances available at the touch of a finger. Many of them require you to enter your activity, then they track your progress and provide reports and summaries of your achievements and slip-ups. Some of them allow you to invite friends to view what you are doing, which is part of creating both transparency and accountability. There are online support groups, groups through social media, and in person groups that can help provide that support and accountability as well. Also, we can utilize our friends and family. Choose people who will be supportive, but also those you don’t want to let down, and ask them to help you. Create a schedule of when and how you will check in with them. And then be honest, let them know when you slip-up, tell them when you are struggling. Let them help you come up with a plan to get back on track.

It is my hope that the three articles this series have been helpful in giving you some tips to accomplish whatever it is you want in your life. It is my belief that happiness comes through making your life what you want it to be and that anyone can accomplish this if they are willing to do what it takes to make it happen. It is my goal that this series puts you one step closer to accomplishing your goals, whatever they may be, and that I have helped you in some small way to “design your life.”

Rochelle Whitson is a licensed psychotherapist practicing in Temecula, CA. The motto of her therapy practice is “design your life.” She also writes a blog containing articles to help with this goal available at www.meetme4therapy.com.

If you would like to reach Ms. Whitson, please email her at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.