Comic Relief: Worst Birthday Gifts

It's only Wednesday, but it feels like the weekend should have been here two days ago. You have a full plate ahead, lots of work left to do, classes at Southington High School or college to sit through or are just plain in need of a break.

We have you covered.

"Comic Relief!" is a new weekly column designed to put a smile on your face by providing you with jokes, funny pictures from around the region and more to bring a smile to your face before you return to your busy schedule.

Enjoy!

Here's a little factoid you may or may not already know about me: I was born exactly 29 years ago today on Feb. 15, 1983.

At this point in my life as a man in his late 20's, a birthday is basically little more than a date which means I am mathematically one year older than I was the day before.

But birthdays are still a reason to have fun, no matter how young or old you are. That got me thinking — what are the worst birthday gifts you could possible give someone?

I have to admit, I have been fairly fortunate. I did have one bad "gift" given to me a few years back. A friend, who shall remain nameless, handed me a card that said, and I quote: "You are now old. That sucks."

That was it. That was the entire message written on the handmade card. And by handmade card, I mean an index card which was handed to me. Of course, this made me laugh.

But some gifts should never be given to anyone on their birthday. So for this week's 'Comic Relief!" we are going to take a look at the five worst birthday gifts.

5. The Birthday Cactus: What's wrong with a cactus, right? That's what I thought at first, but there are many things wrong with this gift. Picture this: Someone hands you a present, finely wrapped with an unkown prize inside. You begin to rip away at the shiny paper, only to be cut and left bleeding. As you tend to your wounds, you realize the "package" you just opened is a health hazard. People, STAY AWAY from wrapping a cactus as a birthday gift.

4. A Treadmill: "So you think I'm fat? All your friends think I'm fat?" No matter how much money you spend, no matter how great you think it is, a treadmill simply sends the wrong message. Do not give someone a treadmill for their birthday if you value their friendship.

While we are on the topic, also avoid giving someone a scale of any kind. Why would you do that? I don't know, but don't do it. Also avoid workout videos. Just not a good gift.

3. Subscription to an Online Dating Site: So you know someone is looking for love is all the wrong places? Great, but let them keep looking. Buying them a subscription to eHarmony or Match may seem like a good idea, but just think about it. No, really - think about it. You just told them you have zero faith that they have the personality or looks necessary to meet someone on their own. Oh, and by the way "Happy Birthday!" Before you even think about it, be sure to read this fabulous rant in the link above to know what to expect. "Umm, thanks?"

2. Office Supplies: OK, so you know someone who could use a little office makeover, do you? Well, do you really want someone to think about all the work ahead of them as they celebrate living another year? Now that they have those paper clips, a brand new stapler, a set of pens with colored ink and paper to write on, they can just forget about this whole birthday thing and move on to what's really important, making money for yourself.

1. 'The Making of You' starring Mom and Dad with a special guest appearance by Uncle Bill: When you receive a video tape with this title and this list of actors and actresses, I have only one word to sum up all the advice you need to know: Run!

OK, so the goal was to give you a video tape with all the important memories caught on film compiled into one awesome collection. You know what else would be awesome? Not having to pop the tape (or DVD Blu-Ray) in to find out if it's a commemorative video of you or how exactly you were made. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm not willing to take that risk.

As a little added bonus today, we are going to give you one more: Socks.

This classic "do not buy" gift sends a message that you are not only not very creative, but really don't care to put any thought into it. I think The Granbys Patch Editor Ted Glanzer said it best, "if someone buys you this for your birthday, you are pretty much assured that they have given up on you."

That said, we now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.