A Question For Your Valentine

There are lots of opinions out there on how to express your love on Valentine’s Day.  Cards, flowers, chocolates, jewelry, a night out… I’m not knocking any of them (especially not chocolate!), but if you really want your beloved to know you care, put down your wallet and read this blog first. 

After nearly 2 decades of helping couples in therapy, I have heard nearly every spouse easily itemize all the things they do for their significant other to show they care about them.  Doing his laundry, offering encouragement after her hard day, going hiking together, rubbing his sore shoulder, cooking her favorite dinner, a hug, a kiss, a surprise gift.  What most people have trouble getting right is what makes their mate feel most loved.  Sound like the same thing?  It isn’t!

Gary Chapman wrote an excellent, brief book called “The Five Love Languages.”  In this classic couples therapy book, he describes the different ways people like to feel loved.  Some like gifts; some like words.  Some need physical touch to feel loved.  Others need actions, however small, like picking up the dry cleaning.  Lastly, for some, love is best communicated through time spent together. 

So here’s a question for the one you love:  “When do you most feel loved by me?”  Get ready – the answer may surprise you!  And your challenge will be: Show love in that way, not necessarily in your way, as often as you can. 

For a person who likes quality time, it may seem strange to have a spouse who feels most loved with gifts.  I have seen many couples become judgmental and indignant about these types of differences, insisting that their way of showing love should be enough.  But Chapman points out, there is no right or wrong “Love Language.”  Getting closer is a matter of knowing and respecting those differences. 

And, I believe, it might lead you to the perfect Valentine’s Day gift as well!