After we returned from the honeymoon, we started merging our lives together. The truth is I was madly in love with my husband, but living together really pointed out little quirks that I did not see during our dating relationship. Giving feedback to my husband was not hard for me; however, talking in a way where I shared criticism that was constructive and beneficial was the problem. As a newlywed, I was just learning to share my life, my time and space. Many times, I made the mistake in addressing things in ways that were not helpful. When I thought I was helping, in reality, I started to create barriers that would have prevented my husband from hearing feedback.
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Well, I did not stop talking. I learned to give constructive criticism in a way where my husband wanted to listen to me and felt respected. As a result, we grew closer. We learned to challenge each other. I trust his feedback and he trusts mine. Providing feedback to your spouse is a powerful tool that can really grow your marriage. Many couples I see in counseling do not share any feedback with their spouse to avoid conflict. However, these couples neglect to tap in a resource that could be so enriching.
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Here are eight steps for building your marriage and giving your spouse constructive criticism.
1. Self-evaluation – Before I started using these steps, there were times I shared feedback out of pride. That was not really getting me the results I wanted. I learned to do a self-evaluation. I actually started checking my thoughts, feelings and actions before I give any feedback. That really took our marriage to a deeper level. By checking my feelings, thoughts and actions, I ensured that my intentions to share the feedback were in the right place.
2. Timing – Addressing my husband when he is ready to listen to me not necessarily when I want to talk. For example, I have even asked, “Is this good time to discuss the new budget sheet?” By asking permission to talk, my husband has a chance to prepare himself to listen to me. When the timing is right, my husband is engaged in the conversation, and he can appreciate the criticism.
3. Praises – When giving any type of constructive criticism, start with something your spouse is doing right. If your spouse only hears negative feedback, sooner or later, he or she will stop listening.
4. Do not make assumption – I probed and clarified as a way to understand not to judge. There have been times were probing and clarifying helped me to understand my husband, and the feedback was not needed.
5. Listen – I usually listen to his point of views and his feelings.
6. Empathize and Validate – I can say I have not been hundred percent successful in that area, but I make an effort to really understand his point of views. I am still growing.
7. Share the feedback – This is not the time to play the blame game or give you need to change speech. Honestly, I usually make it brief. I start by sharing the area he is being a rock star and then I make suggestions on my observations.
8. Positive reinforcement – Thanking my husband for listening to me really open the door for me to come back with concerns. Moreover, he feels appreciated for his efforts.
Grow your marriage and grow yourself by giving your spouse constructive criticism.
“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” – Proverbs 27:17
Questions: How do you give your spouse constructive criticism? If you are not giving any feedback to your spouse, what is stopping you?
