The End is Near! And Its Name Is Preschool Graduation Cards

To quote one of my favorite music groups, “It’s the end of the world as we know it.” And it’s not Sarah Palin, rappers at the White House, Arnold and Maria, Newt Gringrich’s wide-eyed wife, Donald Trump, tornados, earthquakes, the Mayan Calendar, May 21st, or any of the other obvious signs of impending Armageddon. No! As is always the case, it’s the smaller shifts that ultimately signal the demise of western civilization.

And this one is truly terrifying.

After recently returning from the Batavia Target store, my lovely wife turned to me and said, “You won’t believe what I just saw!” “What?,” I inquired. “Preschool graduation cards!,” she exclaimed. And just like the birthers, who remain steadfast in their belief the president wasn’t born here, I refused to believe that such an abomination dared to exist.

But later that week, as we were enjoying a nice lunch at the in the Geneva Commons, my spouse slyly said, “Let’s stop by the Hallmark Store.” I suspected nothing as she plucked a card from the graduation section and simply handed it to me. After they revived me, I had to admit there is such a thing as preschool graduation cards.

I’ve railed against our ridiculous overemphasis on. I’ve lamented parents who feel it necessary to bestow a dozen roses upon their annoying miscreant for semi-successfully singing one song in a third-grade choral presentation. I’ve protested fathers willing to trample little old ladies as they surge forward to record every nanosecond of their little darling botching their only two lines in the elementary school play.

But preschool graduation cards? This one takes the cake! What’s next? A card congratulating babies for being born? “We’re so proud you graduated from the uterus.”

Can you actually flunk out of preschool? “I’m sorry Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, but little Jimmy is as dumb as rock. He’s an embarrassment to you and the other children. Please take him directly home. His only hope is to someday run as a U.S. senator.”

C’mon! Preschool and kindergarten are the last happy respites before fully flinging our children directly into the maw of an achievement and status based dog-eat-dog world. The word “graduation” shouldn’t even enter the equation.

Oh, no! I just thought of something. Please tell me they don’t have preschool graduation ceremonies. And if anyone mentions the word “diploma,” I swear I’ll scream.

Of course, if preschool graduation cards exist, that must mean some parents are throwing preschool graduation parties. Look, it’s great that we get behind our children, but when we celebrate every “achievement,” no matter how mundane, it gives them a false sense of entitlement that won’t serve them well later in life.

If you’re willing to indulge a 5-year-old to that degree, your child would be far better off if you just ignored them. I’d be willing to bet Paris Hilton had a preschool graduation party and now her only claim to fame is a sex tape.

Please tell me! Exactly what’s the point of handing a 5-year-old a card, anyway? Though I kind of like the idea, isn’t it the equivalent of taunting a defenseless child? “Hey! Little Janey! Here’s a nice card for your preschool graduation. What do you mean you can’t read it? What the heck did they teach you in preschool?”

And now, officially scarred for life, little Janey runs away bawling.

Doesn’t celebrating every non-event minimize the experience when one of our children actually does accomplish something? “Graduate from high school? Forget that! I’ve already got my preschool diploma. I figure I can always get by as a Geneva alderman.”

Leave it to the folks at Pixar to get it right. In the movie The Incredibles, Bob and Helen have the following exchange:

Helen: I can't believe you don't want to go to your own son's graduation.

Bob: It’s not a graduation. He is moving from the fourth grade to the fifth grade.

Helen: It's a ceremony!

Bob: It’s psychotic! They keep creating new ways to celebrate mediocrity.