Can a Tot Have a Tryst?

Conquistadora sat me down as a faint grin rose on her face.

Our son has a crush on ChunChun’s physical therapist.

The grin grew wider. It’s cute, right? Our little four-year old.

I processed this information for a nanosecond, and before I imposed any judgment on the situation, I thought further inquiry was necessary.

Is she hot, I asked?

My wife, not the jealous type, not the my-husband-is-a-dog-type, not the what-does-that have-to-do-with-anything-that’s-all-you-think-about-isn’t-it-type; or the “he’s four years old, you moron!” an exclamation many wives would hammer down on their lesser half.

She is cute, Conquistadora confessed.

Aww.

Okay, Dad time. This is the moment I do my emotional push ups for: to have a man-to-man talk with my son. De hombre a hombre. No need to crack open some juices boxes on this one; just a brief lesson I can teach him on the couch.

Mom reluctantly agreed. She gets protective of her child. What are you going to say? It was innocent honey—he doesn’t need a lecture at this age.

I agree, babe. I think I hear ChunChun crying upstairs, I said in a slightly panicked tone. She rushed up the stairs, similar to a paramedic would sprint up a flight of stairs in a two flat after getting a call that someone cracked their skull playing Wii Mosh Pit, or something.

Alone on our five-year old Room and Board couch we couldn’t afford at the time, I sat with G Frenzy.

G, I began, did you have eyes for the doctor today? Huh? He doesn’t know that language. He is way behind on player talk. It’s a little disappointing frankly.

Did you find the doctor sweet and nice today? He rubbed his chin into his chest and looked away, not before suppressing a coy smile.

Was she hot? Huh? Nothing.

Son, you said you were going to marry Mommy when you grow up. What’s this new love all about? It is adorable. Occasionally my son will ask, "Dada when I grow up and marry Mommy, can we get a dog?" It’s so sweet. Mom is his gal. I tell him that is gross and incestuous and to go to his room or he won’t be going to college on my dime.

He wasn’t ready for “the talk” about the cute doctor. Maybe in thirteen years. Fine.

Did you get her number? Huh? Still nothing.

He is such a handsome boy—olive skin, thin in that Johnny Depp kind of way not like Matthew McConaughey does when he is “caught” running on the beach wearing his eight-pack abs.

G Frenzy is really, really handsome. His mom is super hot. Mexican, American Indian and Austrian. Exotica, huh? But my son can't cheat on my wife. That's not cool.

Conquistadora came down shortly after our non-talk and asked how it went.

It didn’t went. He is hiding something from us. That’s okay. He’ll do the same when he is huffing joints in his friend’s garage in a few years. I get it.

Dad knows somewhat best.