How Does the American Parenting Style Compare to the French?

Author Pamela Druckerman in her recent Wall Street Journal article, “Why French Parents are Superior” speaks of the American style of parenting as “anything goes” or “n'importe quoi.” This is opposed to the French style of “cadre”, or frame – meaning French children have very firm limits.

First, read the article. Then, consider:  How does our American parenting style compare to the French?

Regina Martine
Disclaimer: I have never been to France, I don’t know any French families, and I have lived in the US of A my whole life, so this is just a response to Pamela Druckerman’s article and a little research. She contends that the French raise their kids to be patient, well-mannered, and polite, all without ever raising their voices or smudging their lipstick. How do they do it? Obviously they know something that American parents don’t.

What I have seen in my eleven years as a parent is that American parents want to be the best, want to be right, want to raise their kids in way possible. They are always looking at the latest research, reading parenting books, and of course, comparing themselves to others. Maybe French parents do it better because they aren’t always second-guessing themselves.

Druckerman speaks of the “frame” by which French parents structure their family life. There are pre-determined bed times, meal times, and rules that don’t seem to vary too much from one family to another. In our house, we have a similar framework of rules, but I can’t say that it has created the smooth and easy family life that the author describes.

Another fundamental difference is the public services and benefits that are available to French families. A major source of guilt (and financial hardship) for me when my kids were little was sending them to daycare and preschool. After my second child was born, I wasn’t working anymore, so a part of me felt like I was shipping them off to preschool to buy myself some time away from them. In France, preschool is mandatory and free. Au revoir, guilt!

Trying to balance all the other stuff of life with caring for the kids can be really challenging. If I had known when they were born that I would have a government-subsidized nanny, be paid for at least 16 and up to 26 weeks of maternity leave (depending on which child) and my former company would hold my job for up to three years, then the choice to stay home wouldn’t be fraught with stress and indecision. Perhaps French parents do it better because their culture gives them the time to relax and enjoy their kids.

However, Americans (including me) like the idea of “attachment parenting”, where the child forms a lasting, loving bond with the parents at a very young age. The French seem to practice something more like “detachment parenting” where the child is left to cultivate his or her own inner life, and bonding with the parents seems secondary. Parents are more teachers and diciplinarians than loving caregivers. It may create well-behaved children, but it seems kind of cold.

The one thing that French parents seem to have more of is patience. As I write this, my son keeps asking over and over if he can use the laptop. Over and over I tell him to wait until I am done. The more he asks the more annoyed I become. He has no patience and neither do I. How would a French mother handle this? I wish I knew.

Laurie Hunt
While my kids give me a run for my money day in and day out, I am constantly told by people what great manners my girls have. This thrills me. I have always tried hard to teach my girls to look at people when they talk to them, shake hands, use please and thank you. I teach them this by constant reminders as well as modeling good manners. I’d like to think that most parents, from many countries, would like to raise children with good manners.

Much like the French mothers in the article when my kids misbehave I have ‘a look’, have been known to use a ‘stern voice’ and, guess what?  Most of the time it works and sometimes it doesn’t. They’re kids. They make mistakes.

My girls have always had good manners when we go out to eat, when they were really young I always had something to occupy them – whether it was crayons, cheerios or ordering a side of French fries to be delivered to the table ASAP, please. I do remember very well one night where the behavior was not good so we had our meals delivered to the table to go. Kids have bad days and we decided we would not subject the other diners to our child’s bad day so we simply took our food home to eat. I do not believe, as the article indicated, that all young French children simply sit happily in their high chairs - you won’t convince me this blanket statement is true. I admire the fact that, according to this article, French children eat what is given to them; I know my Grandmother will tell me stories of long ago when American children did this very same thing. There were no alternatives of chicken nuggets or grilled cheese… you ate what was put in front of you or you went hungry. 

I don’t think it is a bad thing that American children snack throughout the day. (I think the types of snacks are more of an issue but that is another topic for another time.) There are many of us who get tired or grumpy mid-morning or mid-afternoon and have a cup of coffee or snack of some sort. Who hasn’t heard that keeping blood sugar levels balanced throughout the day keeps our energy levels up? Small children have small stomachs and a need for more frequent smaller meals.  Snacking makes for less cranky children.

When my children were very young I was their primary caregiver. There were no government subsidies; no free pre-school or full day kindergarten for my children like there is in France. Is this a good thing? I’m sure you could find arguments on both sides but I know if I had to do it again there is very little I would change even if the option of free full day care were offered. 

Lastly while I feel that having a hands off approach in some aspects of parenting is a good thing, I know that my children are only little for so long. Adult time and me time are important – the article left me thinking they were priorities in France.  This is something I definitely disagree on as it is important but could never be more important than the time I have with my children.

Jillian Sallee
French parents are in the news for their “cadre” approach to parenting.  How does this compare to your style? Do you think they know something we don’t?

I took French for 7 years and these were some brand new French lessons for me.

• Children should say hello, goodbye, thank you and please. It helps them to learn that they aren’t the only ones with feelings and needs.

Manners should be automatic in our family. This is a constant struggle as I have to remind the children at almost every turn to say these four simple words. We are working on Juliet saying thank you right now. She can sign it and say it but for some reason she is refusing. So now, the older kids are getting a kick out of trying to encourage her to say it. Instead of making a big deal about it, we are just modeling it. Lo and behold, this week she started saying it again and everyone has been cheering and clapping for her. She’s eighteen months so this behavior is acceptable, but by the time she is as old as my six-year old son, it should be coming out all the time, applause or not. Before reading this article, I was looking at this rule as being polite to those around you but it is an interesting thought that manners show that we are concerned about others feelings. Seems like a more approachable way to the rule instead of just you ‘have to.’    

• When they misbehave, give them the “big eyes” - a stern look of admonishment.

If only the tone of my voice were enough to stop one of my children, I would be one of the happiest moms in Wakefield. Apparently in France if the mom merely uses a “sterner” voice, the child in question acquiesces to her command. What I really wish, is for a plane ticket to France to hear this “stern” voice.  The tone, the volume...I have a hard time between calm, patient talking, terse exasperated clenching of the jaw, and all-out frustrated yelling. I can’t really imagine this working, but kudos to you if it does.  

• Allow only one snack a day. In France, it’s at 4 or 4:30.

If my youngest daughter doesn’t have her snack trap within arm’s reach, then beware. This rule is the one I have the hardest time with. Food fuels the brain, and a healthy snack keeps the body and mind going throughout the the day. On a day where we are going out to dinner, I definitely limit the snacks the few hours before, so I know they will be hungry. At other times, however, my children do ask for snacks throughout the day and if I feel like it is an appropriate time, I allow it. The key there I think, is that they have to ask before getting a snack. They are not just allowed to eat whatever and whenever they want. Except for Juliet. I’m not risking a hand by taking those Cheddar Bunnies away from her.    

• Remind them (and yourself) who’s the boss. French parents say “It’s me who decides.”

I love this rule. I decide what my kids have for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I decide what they wear to school. I plan activities for us, playdates, and parties.  And as a general rule, I do not ask my children’s opinion. I know, horror of horrors, right? For us, in our family, this is what works. We have far less temper tantrums and fights about every little thing. They know that I am the boss because that is the tone I have set and truly there is little discussion about it.  So far...  

• Don’t be afraid to say “No.” Kids have to learn how to cope with some frustration.

I have no trouble saying “No.” My parents had no trouble saying “No” to me and I guess it wore off. Just because I am willing to say “No” though, doesn’t mean they listen to me. I am pretty good about not caving in to their crazy demands and in fact any sort of temper tantrum or attitude merely reinforces the “No” as far as I’m concerned. My kids are young, and so I have yet to encounter any real rebellion. I’m sure it’s coming, I have no doubt, but I am hoping by setting the standard now, we will stave off any major trouble. Snort. Yeah, right.     

There is a lot we don’t know about exactly how the French parent their children. The article we read gave guidelines and rules but the details are missing. Not everyone is a perfect parent and we all do the best with what we know (thank you, Dr. Phil). We all take a little advice from here, a few suggestions from there, and we put together our own style. Pat yourself on the back for a job well done, and pass the Cheddar Bunnies.    

Tasha Schlake Festel
I think I’m pretty hands-off when it comes to parenting. I preach independence and self-reliance. I consider experience to be the best teacher. I let my kids make their own mistakes, solve their own problems and create their own victories. I watch from the sidelines. I coach and guide. I try only to step in when I know it will go terribly wrong. I don’t hover. I am not French. I am a Type-A, German-American, overwhelmed, working mother who is just too darn busy to micro-manage.

According to studies cited in the “French Parents are Better” article, American mothers prefer housework to child care. One look at my house will quickly convince you that this is not the case in our family. Please! I find both equally distasteful! No, just kidding! While there are certainly parts of parenting that I find torturous and there are even days when I’d much rather vacuum than spend time with my kids, hands-down, I’d never say I prefer it in the long term. Make no mistake: I love the snot out of my kids, even when I can’t stand ‘em; I never like to clean.

The author also mentions that French children sit happily at a restaurant table, where their American counterparts must be taken on walks and entertained by an adult for the entire meal. She also states that American children require special kids’ menus or else they will find nothing to eat. Sadly, she’s right. We’ve all seen it. And we have kids that will eat only grilled cheese sandwiches, chicken nuggets, mac-and-cheese and pizza. All with a big side of fries and not a veggie to be seen. Dining options aside, I have many friends who won’t even step foot into a restaurant with their children for a family meal because it’s just too torturous.

Well, despite their heritage, my kids may be a little bit French when it comes to dining out. They are rock stars at a restaurant and pretty much always have been. We’ve been going out for meals with the kids since they were in baby carriers, sleeping soundly on the table at the sushi place down the street. Since they could speak, they’ve had to order their own food. Since they could eat solids, they’ve been eating food from the menu. Sure, they generally order from the kids’ menus, but honestly that’s a function of a cost/portion size not palate. I’m just too cheap to get them $26 entrees, no matter how much more they’d like it than a grilled cheese and fries.

That brings up another interesting difference between French and American parents. According to the author, the French have access to certain public services once they have children, such as free pre-school, health insurance and college. She goes on to say that many even get monthly cash allotments just for having kids. Well, now that might have an impact, eh? I’m not saying I’m looking for a handout or anything, but I sure as heck wouldn’t mind getting some of the stuff those French parents get. Think about how much less you’d have to worry about if you had a few extra bucks in your bank account. I might even consider having a third child! (Oh, who am I kidding? I’m so all set with two.)

French parents stress independent play. I think I have successfully passed this lesson on to my children. My mother once told me that she was never my playmate when I was a kid. She was my mother. She played board games, helped us with arts and crafts, pushed us on the swings and swam with us at the public pool. I don’t remember sitting down and playing Barbies with her, though. We interacted plenty, but we didn’t play. I learned to keep myself busy or find a playmate my own age. I’ve passed this on to my kids. One is better at it than the other, but I followed my mom’s lead. I am not a playmate. I’m a mom.

Patience is a virtue. A French one, apparently, not taught through lessons, but rather through modeling and consistency. French parents kick my ass in this department. I am so high-strung and in need of immediate gratification that it would be bordering on criminally hypocritical of me to expect my children to be patient beings. I try to teach my kids this patience, but quickly erase all progress by modeling the opposite. Sad but true.

As Type A and authoritative as I am, my kids still don’t listen to me, unlike the French children with their parents. It seems that the French “calm authority” is more effective than the “crazed and screaming” method I rely upon. French kids don’t talk back or negotiate. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that these are unfamiliar concepts to me. There is only one explanation. The French are performing magical parenting. Or else their wine-drinking, haute-couture-wearing, language-of-love-speaking culture has fooled the author.

Just in case, perhaps I’ll send my kids to study abroad.