The night before life goes on

Starting this at nearly midnight, the night before we go  in to have our tests administered again , and I don't know if I will be able to sleep tonight so blogging obviously came to mind!

For those of you out there who have been reading my blogs  I can tell you now feels the same as before- the waiting game is terrible. waiting to  see whats next, to have tests done, waiting for results, still waiting...

IT WILL BE WORTH THE WAIT!

last night when  I blogged I was thinking about how I can help others who are going through similar journeys, I get emails all the time- but I questioned what I can do for those who love someone on this journey...

Tonight, I feel like I should write for those out there who know someone battling infertility. Support is the best thing you can provide to anyone, man or woman who is a part of an infertile couple. Support means the world to  my husband and I. I speak first hand when  I say support is the best medicine for us all- in any ailment.

I feel like I should also mention this, as several of the people  I have spoken with have brought it up as well...

Dear people who love us:

#1:

QUIT TELLING US WE'RE NEXT!

Maybe in your lives we will be the next couple close to you who conceives- but we don't seem to be next in our own lives. For us, we watch every other couple get pregnant, those married, unmarried, stable, unstable, those really close to us, those we wish we didn't ever see. For those going through infertility- even the people on tv who conceive while we are trying affect us- we watch lives go on with babies, while ours seem stagnant and filled with treatment. Be kind to us, realize that sometimes your encouragement may rub us the wrong way. We know you love us and you are supporting us, which is the best gift ever, and a fabulous medicine. Just be cautious of what you say when trying to support us- we are fragile.

#2:

I can say some of the best support for us has been the shoulders lent to us to lean on, the ears that listen and those who care of how we feel.

I fully appreciate those who listen to us talk out our new information and our new emotions- sometimes there is so much information thrown at us (like this week) where we really benefit from saying aloud what we are planning, what we are pondering and how we feel about all this. Sometimes we don't realize how we feel until we discuss it. (Shout out to the Carebear who has been my shoulder and an ear this week- I'm so blessed to have you in my life!)

Notice- I don't say we benefit from people asking us to talk it out, or asking us questions. There are certainly people in my life that are totally aloud to question where I am at, don't get me wrong. Just note that when we need to talk it out- we will . Sometimes we may clam up - sometimes we aren't ready to share, generally we are under enough pressure- we don't need added pressure to say where we are at. We benefit from talking things over, from sharing- there are hundreds of support groups for infertility, and I'm sure hundreds of blogs as well- because sharing does help. If you really think we are bottled up and need to talk- just know that if and when we erupt negatively towards you for popping us- we're just really stressed, and most likely that stress has been directed towards you as you are a catalyst.

Which brings me to #3:

TAKE CAUTION!

Take caution for yourselves, emotions are high when people realize they do not have control of their lives! you may hear all our pent up anger/frustration/confusion/and sadness within the drop of a hat. In the long run- we love and appreciate you. Later on we will realize you were acting out of love and care for us- and we WILL appreciate it. As an infertile couple- we are working on getting thicker skin and less sensitive to all the daily reminders of where we are at. Please take caution and know even though we've been friends forever, even though blood is thicker than water- we are emotional wrecks and to be a good friend/ good support to us- we may need your skin to thicken up too, we may need your forgiveness at one point in time or another through out this journey.

Some people out there will have a hard time coming to your child's first birthday- they may need to send a card and gift in their absence, because sometimes showing up is a struggle. Forgive us, we mean no harm.

Some people out there will have a hard time responding to those baby shower invites, I know I am guilty of this, we set them aside meaning to reply- but it can be so hard to go buy clothes for a little peanut, and so hard to even think about the ooohs and ahhhs over the itty bitty shoes. We want to put it off, put off the reality that someone else is going forward. Forgive us for our late responses (Note: I am going to baby showers, just quite tardy with my responses :/ ) Please know for those who can't make it to your showers- we aren't lacking happiness for you, we just lack it for ourselves. Forgive us- we will come around.

If you invite us out and you want to see a movie- please know that even if we know the movie results in a pregnancy or a baby- we may cry, swear, or even need to leave the room- forgive us, we're coping.

#4

Support is amazing, forgiveness is always needed, putting us "in check" can be helpful too... BE BRAVE!

An infertile couple may need to make adjustments to  what they do and do not participate in to help with their own well being. This is understood as with any conflict in life. However, someone be brave! If you find that those you love who are enduring infertility are avoiding everyone, avoiding general life activity- be brave, speak up- ask if we need to talk, crack open our shells- show us it is ok to come out of the shadows we may lurk in. Sometimes the best support is someone reminding us that life has to go on, we are living- whether we feel like we are living the life we like or not- remind us to live. Be brave, be bold, break our shells.

We will love and appreciate you that much more in the end.

#5:

Respect our decisions

Know that all the above is extremely helpful, but in the end all couples are in their own journey- we may tell you to butt out entirely- we may not care your opinions  on our next treatment decision, or our next chosen step, or our chosen desire to end one journey or another. I would never tell someone with cancer which treatment to undergo, that is their life decision- don't tell an infertile couple to "just adopt" (which is a terrible statement, no one just adopts- adoption is a loving decision to become a parent in a very special way, to a child that is yours!), don't ever say, "JUST DO IVF," you don't know the health risks, the emotions or the financials of a decision- even if you have walked a similar journey and found a happy ending with decision x, y or z- that doesn't mean x,y or z are the right choice for anyone else. Respect where people are at, their decisions and their thought process. Respecting us is a huge help to us, a great support and a great way to show you care. 

I hope the above can help you as your peers transit through infertility.

For those going through infertility- don't forget people love and care for you, that they want to support you, want to see you happy and want to see you succeed in your dreams of being a parent! Note that they tread lightly- infertility is so unspoken of generally that people don't know how to react- be gentile with them as you'd like them to be with you!

I'd like to end with a quote I found recently, I'm not sure who spoke these words first- but every couple in our situation should consider them:

"I'm going to succeed because I'm crazy enough to think I can!"