Pursuers & Distancers

When there's conflict in a relationship (and there always is), we tend to develop habitual patterns of responding to the uncomfortable feelings.  One of these is called pursuing/distancing.

When the anxiety and stress level go up, some people feel better with more closeness and a solution-based approach to the issue at hand. They want to re-connect with their partner. For others, when the stress level goes up, more intimacy is the last thing they want.  They are more comfortable with more distance, not more closeness.  They want their space, and would prefer time with a hobby, TV, or the like.

What results is an unholy yin/yang of approach and withdrawal, to where the doomed efforts to solve the problem become the problem.

Whether or not we are a pursuer or a distancer is influenced by factors such as ethnicity, family history, gender, and past relationships. Neither one is evidence of an emotional or relational deficit.  And within all of us resides a pursuer and a distancer, because all of us, to a greater or lesser extent, fear both abandonment and intimacy - it's part of being human.

The trick is to notice the patterns and, with wonderful irony, to learn to imitate our partners.  When pursuers practice distance and when distancers practice pursuit, communication can improve dramatically. 

Question for the therapist?  Contact Susan at www.ridgewoodtherapy.com