Thank You, CHCC

The Christian Health Care Center (CHCC) is poised on the edge of an exciting new chapter in housing and development in Wyckoff and Hawthorne as they boldly go where few have dared venture.  Their brilliant new plan for an enormous and lucrative “active senior” complex on steeply sloped forestland on one of the highest peaks in the area flies in the face of scores of pesky and seemingly unenforceable zoning and building laws and ordinances, supposedly designed to protect local homeowners, and breaks completely new ground.  Bravo, CHCC.  You are paving the way for more innovative, self-serving and daring ideas.

 Because of your bravado and hubris, CHCC, I feel emboldened to share my plan with the community, a plan I feared would never take shape because I mistakenly thought building and zoning ordinances were supposed to be followed, and respected.  I apologize for my naivete.

 I too have a project I feel is “inherently beneficial”, a phrase I have grown to cherish because of its lack of ambiguity and artifice. 

 I have grown increasingly concerned about our youth.  They spend untold unproductive hours clutching their smart phones, plugged into their computers or zoned out in front of the television watching unwholesome programs about vampires, “hooking up” or the latest prurient fashions or celebrity hi-jinks.  Something must be done to get them off their designer fannies and out into the fresh air.  I mention designer fannies because, like the CHCC’s plan, my plan will only benefit the wealthy.

 These children are crying out for a Carnival.  In the neighborhood, for convenience and continuity of care, with a hefty entrance fee, of course.  I’ve contracted Pro Immatura, a venerated research group geared toward the needs of our youth, to conduct an in-depth analysis of my Carnival plan.  Pro Immatura experts assert that the young person’s need for active entertainment has never been higher than it is today, and that a neighborhood Carnival will be a much needed asset.  The wealthy children have spoken, they need a midway, rollercoaster and a ferris wheel, and they need it now.  Without it they will sink into obesity, depression and carpal tunnel syndrome.

 I have the perfect spot for our Carnival.  There’s a generous strip of undeveloped land that runs from CHCC forestland through several backyards, including my own, and terminates on the other side of Emeline Drive.  Granted, it does create a buffer between homes, and a causeway for the growing herd of deer that will be displaced if the CHCC plan goes through.  I have an answer for that problem – we can create a midway “Bop-a-Deer” game – shoot a deer, win a prize, the value of which depends on whether the deer was nicked, mortally wounded or shot right between the eyes.

 But, you may protest, “What about zoning laws and ordinances”? This is where I wipe grateful tears and thank my lucky stars for the CHCC’s daring and brazen plan. To borrow from an ‘oft repeated movie phrase – “Zoning laws?  We don’t need no stinking zoning laws.”

 Indeed we don’t.  Unless they can be enforced and respected by those hallowed Zoning and Planning Board folks none of us voted for in the first place, they have as much value as a plastic sitting duck.

 And if this plan goes through, sitting ducks is what we’ll be.  Got your tickets?  The sideshow is about to start, and you’ve got to be in it to win it.

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Multi-award-winning writer/playwright E. K. Deutsch lives in Hawthorne with her husband Arthur.