One of my favorite things to do each year is walk around Harrison and see all the creepy Halloween decorations. Every house seems covered with spider webs, has a skeleton on the roof and shutters with the slats pulled out.
Sorry Mrs. Leibowitz, I know those aren't decorations, and I still can't believe you didn't qualify for a home improvement loan. In any case, these are some of the spooky sites I took a look at recently.
One of the best bits of decorating came in the form of those bodies half-buried in that lawn on Halstead Avenue. I mentioned it to the owner, who said nervously, 'Jeez they're supposed to be completely buried! Here, grab a shovel!'
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I've been told I'm not a very curious person. So, this guy's strange reaction didn't arouse my suspicions. Not even when he ran back inside saying: "Now I have to finish making that girl suit!"
Big spiders on peoples' lawns are very popular this year. One in particular caught my eye. It was 5 feet long and purple. When I mentioned to the homeowner how much I loved his decoration, he smiled and said, "Right, a decoration!" Then he called his kids to take care of the spider. Man, you think it was big? It took 5 children to carry the pest strip.
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Skeletons are dangling from nearly every tree in Harrison. No one believed me when I warned them against Miracle-Gro. Folks, in the future try and remember one thing: that's what they mean by "results may vary".
Witches abounded at peoples' houses the day I went walking. I congratulated one guy for putting up a particularly scary one. He said, "Yeah, that Nancy Pelosi is kind of frightening, isn't she?" I decided to cross the street and made a mental note to skip her house when I canvassed for the DNC.
A couple of places were trying out their sound systems as I walked by. There were deep echoing bass sounds and horribly shrill cackles emanating from one house. This was particularly effective, and I made another mental note that if you want to scare someone, the music of Rush will work every time.
There are a fair number of ghosts standing in front of various Harrison homes this year. Of course, several of the ghosts I saw were actually solid. This brought up the whole nature of metaphysics and phenomena not easily explained. Yes, this includes Katy Perry. However, most people I met felt that virtually everything about Halloween came under these categories—except for the candy part, which we all agreed was a rock-solid idea.
But you know, just like at Christmas, there's always one house that completely overdoes it. At the far end of Halstead, stands a house that has several witches on the property, plus giant bugs and scores of rats. At the moment I walked by a visitor showed up. How creative it was of him to be dressed up like the Orkin man. On second thought, I don't think that was a costume. Not to worry though the house should be all cleaned up for tomorrow night. The Health Department said that and they never lie.
Well, at least the rats will be gone—and it's, you know, a start.
