A Forbidden

It was a thoughtful and totally unexpected gesture that opened more of my Pandora’s box of yesterdays.

On a recent visit to the Empire State, my friend purchased a postcard picturing a restaurant in Hells Kitchen. Yesterday when he gave it to me, he wondered if it was the same area of NYC that I visit often although now only in memory.

My friend not only is thoughtful, but also intuitive. The faded cardboard opened another torrent of memories the instant he presented it.

Ironically, the first wave one was due to the address printed in small letters on the back of my gift.

The Avenue (Eleventh or “block” as it was once called) was one of the few “no, nos” I learned to heed.

Surprisingly that was despite the fact that from an early age I was permitted to travel the entire length of Tenth Avenue alone.

My friend, Joan, and I both belonged to the YWCA ( also on Tenth Avenue ) where she took piano lessons and I learned to swim. Since the classes were scheduled for different days and hours, we rarely walked the ten blocks together,

We each walked the ten blocks alone winter, summer and fall, but never once did she or I ever cross west and step foot on Eleventh Avenue.

Dwelling on those dormant moments, I finally understood the reason for our fear.

I now believe it was induced mostly because for some vague and unexpained reason, not only J0an and I, but most youngsters, were warned by parents that it was unsafe territory. Virtually, a no man’s land or so it was perceived.

That lone reminiscence resurrected other simmering ones also induced by the crippling emotional response of trepidation.

Fear wasn’t a word or emotion easily admitted in Hell’s Kitchen. When or if fear was acknowledged, ridicule could soon follow. Consequently, I learned early to hide mine,

The “Family” as Mom’s siblings were known, (distinctly different from Dad’s who were The ‘Relatives” or “The Cousins.”) hid their feelings like the crown jewels

I soon realized my emotions were an embarrassment because I was “different” allowing them to escape and be viewed.

Without ever being spoken aloud I began to understand. there was one fear rampart in the Family, They all shared a fear of being “alone.”

it was the link that held the members tightly entwined, never truly allowing escape.

Eventually I began to understand that their fear of being left alone became a paralysis destroying growth.

Ir cripples and destroys any ability to reach out or allow other humans into your world.

I am not certain how old I was when I knew that (despite the solitary veil that appears to be my uniform) I have never been alone in my life

That moment of recognition opened the door to freedom eventually permitting independence and survival as those I loved entered, loved and eventually left my world

Because as the days eventually shortened, and the moon lost its glow, my Maker allowed me to feel His constant presence.

And erase any memories of fear and it’s deadly consequences.