“If” and

It has been another long winter and I must confess.

Two words keep popping up into mind these bleak mornings.

Neither are healthy or welcome, but I find it difficult to suppress them.

They both are negative and unproductive.

Perhaps on occasion you, too, may hear them.

One, of course, is “if”and the other, “suppose.”

When “if” rears its ugly head, I wonder about the decision to leave my treasured home of 57 years.

I travel in time and space back to the white cape cod with the black shutters, and brick kitchen.

Quickly, I become instantly aware it is an unrealistic trip because of the lack of validity,

If I traveled with integrity I would return to an empty, lonely home bereft of the laughter, chaos and yes, tears that I shared with five loved ones for most of my life.

I would not return to a crowded kitchen, or mounds of washing, and occasional disputes over nonsense,

No, that chaotic, albeit loving, household faded many years before I departed. It had. disappeared eight years before the morning I finally closed the glossy black door and headed north.

I knew then I had made a wise decision, one approved and guided by those who remained and still cared about me.

Now I honestly admit, what I truly miss, is not the copper pots, nor blue couches but the yesterdays of youth, and love and laughter.

I miss the noise, the music, and yes, sometimes shouting mingled with the words of love and hasty goodbyes as loved ones spasmodically reentered and departed to find their fortunes.

I tend to forget the tears I shed upon the departures or the overwhelming silence when all were gone..

However, I knew then and must admit now my decision was one he would have not only approved, but shared in making. He would have found comfort in knowing I had a different home, also, one where I was insulated and embraced not only by family, but a community of shared interests and common goals

I have accepted the reality that there will ever be quiet moments of utter and total loneliness since that is always the price demanded for enduring love.

Although I must admit I never wanted or desired any other kind.

“if” and “suppose” will still waft their way into my consciousness on more and more occasions, but I will try not to allow them to linger very long.

Besides, I also know the happier memories will always crowd them out.