If I ? Could I? Would I?

The waiting room was crowded despite the rain.  We all had two things in common as we waited for our family friend and physician.  Coughing, sneezing and aches were the primary conditions we shared but age was decidedly the secondary.

As the first patient emerged from the examination room, bearing a prescription, he nodded at the rest of us and with a jovial laugh said, “Don’t grow old.”  Despite the malaise we all felt, there was a rumble of laughter.  Too late for that advice, I thought, we already have.

And once again a flash of memory came to mind.  My Mother’s voice telling my sister, “Don’t ever grow old.”   Ellen’s response and not the one anticipated was, “Are you telling me to die young?”  Our Mother was decidedly not amused.  But as I remembered her words, I also wondered.

If I?  Could I?  Would I?  And without a moment’s hesitation, I knew the answer.  Absolutely not.

I will never dispute the joys of yesterday, the wondrous ability to move with agility, the flexibility only youth affords without effort.  The bliss of waking each day with unbounded energy and anticipation.

But to be Peter Pan, no, never.

I think the worst part would be the loneliness, and Peter was indeed lonely.  His peer group was gone, he needed the youngsters.

As my world diminishes and the moon begins to wane, I would be devastated without those who have shared my journey. Most of those in my circle of love today are younger, my children, my grandchildren; yet they have traveled  through so much of my life with me.  

The streak of loneliness as the years pass becomes wider as our beloved companions and fellow pilgrims disappear into their next and final adventure.  Perhaps it is this yearning to reclaim them that allows us to bless our Creator for each and every day, and not wish to challenge nature and remain forever young.

I loved the days of my life.  I loved the early moments in the warm embrace of a loving family, the later ones when I became the comforter and caregiver of those in my charge, and I will be eternally grateful for everyone of the 57 years I shared with my Love.  Without reservation, I confess I truly wish I had the ability to move gracefully, or I didn’t have the remote aches and pains that come with each passing day.  However, I would not relinquish one moment of my life to remain standing still on the escalator of time.  I truly cannot think of anything sadder.

If I?  Could I?  Would I?    Never.