No Longer My

It’s been a long time, 91 days exactly.

I wasn’t certain if things would be the same. I had mixed emotions about resuming the relationship.

We had been far too close for much too long a time. It began as a relatively healthy habit that slowly deteriorated into something quite different for me.

Yet while not quite addicted, admittedly, the yearning was hard to break. I knew I had relied on a substance to help me through loneliness, anxiety and occasionally, boredom.

In the beginning, it seemed harmless enough. There were no skills or crossbones on its packaging, and within reason it had a degree of healthiness. Yet, soon it began to consume my life.

I felt a need for it daily, and without warning a compulsion to always have some nearby.

My habit wasn’t something I made public. Rather I indulged only when alone., In the quiet of an evening watching TV, or on a rainy afternoon gazing out the window. At least that’s how it was in the beginning.

Of course, then it escalated. Not several times a week, nor just on Sunday, but the inevitable need reared it’s ugly head daily. Then I knew I was in trouble.

And so I went cold turkey exactly 91 days ago, I moved ice cream out of my refrigerator and out of my life. No exception was allowed.

Tonight however, was my birthday, and I thought just this once, just tonight. And so it was, the two white mountains speckled with vanilla beans re-entered my life. I raised the spoon slowly, savored the first small bite, and remembered how the indulgence once controlled me.

As I left the restaurant with mixed emotions about leaving food, I knew I had conquered a habit that once almost conquered me. And ice cream no longer was in control.