Rituals, Habits

I believe the correct word is ritual, and I had and have many. Although perhaps you prefer to call them a practice, routine or even a habit

All quite diverse, depending on the season of my life.

As a child the rituals were dominated by fear. An all inclusive fear of “causing trouble” in an already deeply troubled household. Although at that point of my journey, I was unaware of that complication.

Later during the early school years, and a fragile sliver of independence emerged, the practices/habits or routines, were orchestrated by several well intentioned but zealous nuns. Fortunately, I was rescued by an equally alert young priest. Ah, another story for perhaps another time.

As the sliver of independence widened, the rituals changed to self awarement and attracting the opposite sex. Sorry, ladies of WOKE, but I did enjoy in the famed words of another, “Being a Girl.”

In the years of early Motherhood the focus changed to daily routines of caring for others. Food, clothing, transportation, to the exclusion of much else.

Somewhere sandwiched in those periods, I made a firm promise to myself. I would NEVER invade the lives of my children with the ritual of daily phone calls. As the burden of my life grew heavier, it sometimes became insurmountable due to the ceaseless phone contact from a demanding in-law refusing to relinquish her claim of ownership.

Today I wonder if that was a mistake. By abandoning the pretext of being interested, possibly I inadvertently gave the illusion of not caring. However, now as the trail winds down, it is far too late to rectify the error.

The rituals continued as the household emptied and other needs surfaced. Primarily motivated by a pretense that all was well,. Although my inner voice urged caution knowing the end of my miracle was near.

And so when it did, and the devastation overcame everything including comfort in the norm of a routine, life seemed to end.

However, of course, it doesn’t and didn’t. Now once again I am claimed by the routine demands of an entirely different set of rituals.

They are less possessive, and hold no emotional demands, but they keep me from the loneliness of uncertainty.