Soul

We were soul friends.

Were there temptations?

Of course there were for both of us.

Who could deny that during the 57 years we shared.

But that’s what they were, temptations and yes,

Also accusations, from both sides of the gender aisle.

Were any valid, or based on fact?

No, never, despite the desire of others to validate and destroy.

There were disagreements, primarily about family, and irritations caused by insensitivity from both of us, but

Although the binding vows we made in youth may have stretched on occasion, they never broke.

After he left, bringing most of my heart with him, the loneliness seemed to become part of my body, almost an extra limb, and eventually unacknowledged and perhaps a bit comfortable.

Today I wrestled with a mundane invitation from a friend of yesterday, something in earlier years both he and I would have accepted without hesitation because we were soul friends.

And that always made the difference.

Yet, I hesitated.

The invitation was simple, just the beginning of a desperately needed friendship from another lonely soul.

I was torn between reaching out and giving comfort. Yet I dared not risk any possibility of fracture in the remaining pieces of my heart that belonged only to him.

If he were here, I thought, he would laugh and say, “Of course, I would do the same,” and I would know that was true.

But he wasn’t here, and my mind and heart were conflicted. I had shared none of my inner being with another for almost a century.

As I wrestled with thoughts, and slowly drained my cup of coffee, I turned on my IPad.

Instead of the manuscript I have been working on for the past week, a picture from a hidden file crossed the screen. It had been installed seven years ago when I sold our home, and had remained unopened.

I stared at the screen, and through the tears, revisited the room we had shared with his worn leather chair sitting empty next to my blue loveseat, and I knew,

My soul friend had sent me his answer and had never really left my side.

And as he always had, knew my heart would always belong only to him.