Could have...Would have...

We all do it.  We look back on our day and think, “I should have done this,”  or “I really wish I wouldn’t have done that.”  We wonder if things would have turned out “better” if only we “could have” done something a just little bit differently.  Even when we lie down at night the “should have” and “could have” thoughts start our minds racing.

The good news is that a certain amount of reflection is healthy, provided that we look back, evaluate and learn.  It becomes problematic when we hold on to these thoughts, replaying the events over and over to the point of becoming overly focused on them.  They then become a distraction, keeping us from being useful in the present. When we’re overly focused on how we mishandled something, we are not as confident in our daily activities.

Whether it’s at work or at school, with family or friends, at a certain point we all have to toss away those “could have, should have, would have” thoughts and remind ourselves about the valuable lessons we learned from the past events. By doing this, we are better prepared to handle similar incidents that arise in the future.

Here are some ways that may help you let go of those thoughts:

• Talk it over with someone you trust. Develop a plan for how to deal with the situation in the future.
• Write about it. Some people find it is helpful to write the “should have, could have, would have” thoughts on a piece of paper and then rip it up or put it in a shredder.  The physical aspect of literally throwing them away frees the emotions to do the same.
• Meditate about it. Tell yourself that you can handle it in the future. Believe in yourself. Be confident.

"Toss Away the 'could haves' and 'should haves' Day" is July 20th.  Get your own fresh start today!

By Carly Borenkind, LCSW, CASAC-T.  Carly is a licensed therapist since 2002. She specializes in treating people with serious and persistent mental illness, chemical dependency and Aspergers Syndrome. Carly currently serves as the Chief Compliance Officer for The Guidance Center of Westchester.