Developing Morality in Children

The 3/13/2014 Sunday Review section of the NY Times had a wonderful article on Raising A Moral Child (by Adam Grant).  For those who have not read the article, I would like to offer a brief summary of the key points.  As a parent and individual who is involved in children’s lives, I found the information very meaningful and instructive, though I think you will find it follows some common parenting principals, and others may surprise you.

A number of blogs ago, I wrote about motivating children to achievement.  Research has shown that parents are better off praising a child’s efforts at a task than commending their ability (“It’s great how you worked hard to solve that puzzle” vs. “ You are so smart finishing that puzzle so quickly”).   So here parents should complement the behavior, not the child.   I begin with this reference because the principal works oppositely when it comes to motivating moral behavior:  Researchers found that when children who demonstrated caring,  generous or considerate behavior were praised for their action  (“It was nice of you to share your toys with that other child”), they were less likely to repeat the behavior when compared with children whose

character was praised (“You are the kind of person who shares; yes- you are a kind, generous person”).   Per Grant,  “praising their character helps children internalize it as a part of their identities”.  This distinction was most significant around age 8.  Also I found it fascinating that research has shown that nouns work better than verbs:  Asking a child “to help” was not as effective as asking the child to “be a helper”. The noun provided a label the child could relate to their behavior. 

When it came to addressing misbehavior, the author makes a very important point about the differences between guilt and shame.  Psychologist June Price Tangney emphasizes that these aren’t interchangeable.  They have different causes and consequences.  “Shame is the feeling that I am a bad person, whereas guilt is the feeling that I have done a bad thing.  Shame is a negative judgment about the core self, which is devastating:  Shame makes children feel small and worthless. “  “Guilt is a negative judgment about an action, which can be repaired by good behavior.  When children feel guilt, they tend to experience remorse and regret, empathize with the person they have harmed, and aim to make it right.”

Grant further states that if we want our children to care about others, we should teach them to feel guilt rather than shame when they misbehave.   Shame may result from a parent’s withdrawal of love, expression of anger or threats of punishment. 

According to psychologists Eisenberg and Shaffer,  “parents raise caring children by expressing disappointment and explaining why the behavior is wrong, how it affected others, and how they can rectify the situation”. 

In addition to responding appropriately to children’s good or bad behavior, a powerful influence was having children observe an adult’s generous behavior.  Modeling generosity was more important than preaching it.  

I hope you found this information as interesting and useful as I did.  The article also cited genetic twin studies that suggest that between 25% to 50% of our tendency to be giving and caring is inherited so a large part of the child’s morality is a blank canvas upon which we can paint elements for a beautiful person to develop.

I would love to hear your feedback on how all this occurred to you! Please feel free to comment. 

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