Hearing Is NOT Listening...

     So often, within the confines of relationships, communication is more challenging than need be, and, intended, messages are, often, not received well by the parties involved. Conversations between friends, loved ones, partners, etc., can spin out of control, when we aren't able to stay focused, keep from being defensive, and, remember that, it isn't ALWAYS about me.' When we are defensive by nature, this essentially means we are not open to new information. Defensiveness is a form of hypersensitivity, which can come when we think someone is insulting us, when, in reality, they are not. If we are able to change our perspective, with respect to the 'words of wisdom', and/or, the opinions which are offered us by people we care about, and who care for us, and see them as 'constructive criticism', or, well-intentioned advice, rather than insult, or, assault, we can help ourselves keep better control of our emotion(s). When we lose emotional control we end up disrespecting our partners/family/friends in the worst and most offensive ways that undermine the trust and sense of accountability in our relationships. This can/will/ does only increase the tension within the 'conversation'. When we are emotionally reactive we are acting out of our defenses not our hearts or our truth. We become egotistical and self-protective ,rather than open and vulnerable. Sadly, emotional reactivity is highly contagious. Once one person gets defensive and inflexible it tends to infuriate the other who ends up doing the same. When we can allow ourselves to be curious about what our loved ones have to say, and, more open-minded, about their perspective, rather than judgmental, this can change our perspective, and, perhaps, prevent argument(s), and, or, 'hard' feelings. If and when we receive information that has us feeling 'challenged', hurt, or, defensive of our self-worth, this is a time to take a step-back. Perhaps, this is the time to thank your partner, friend, or family-member for sharing their information/opinion, and, tell him/her that you would like a bit of time to 'reflect' on what has been said, and, readdress it at a later time, once you've had an opportunity to become more clear about your thoughts on the matter. This 'strategy' offers folks a reprieve from 'jumping' into a perspective argument. As we know, for conversation to be successful, listening is equally as important as speaking. If we are, always, coming from a defensive-posture, we are not open to, or willing, to hearing the opinions/feelings of others. It's important to learn to listen, rather than want to debate everything that is stated which we might feel sensitive to. A most, important, thing, to try to keep in mind, within the confines of conversation, between our loved ones, and us, is that we are 'on the same team'. If we choose to acknowledge and accept this reality, we can be more open to hearing the words of others, who care for and about us, to see the 'bigger picture', which is that we have a 'relationship' which we wish to succeed, and focus on this, rather than on petty 'stuff'. Conversation between 'loved ones' ought be a collaboration, not, a competitive, confrontation. In any case, if one finds him/herself, typically, arguing, rather, than, talking, discussing, or peaceably communicating, perhaps, it's time to take a look at the dynamic, and, determine where/what the problem areas are. Naturally, we cannot change others, but, we do have that control for ourselves; and, perhaps, by taking the initiative to be a better communicator, within our relationships, this will set an example to those we wish better communication with. It's worth a shot! Just Sayin'...