Blog of the Day: Grocery Shopping Isn't "Me" Time

A friend of mine texted me last night, furious with her husband. She'd told him that she needed some "me" time this weekend, and wanted to know which afternoon he'd rather spend alone with the kids. His response?  "Why do you need to get out alone? Aren't you alone all day when the kids are in school? And didn't you just go to Publix without the kids?" (I know, I know, she WANTED to lay into him, but she just smiled and said, "So Saturday works for you?")

With my kids in school all day, you'd think I'd have plenty of time to myself. I mean, come on. Six hours a day of kid-free time should mean plenty of "me" time, right? The occasional manicure or pedicure (or both!), lunch with the girls, browsing the bookstore, coffee with a neighbor, enough workouts to achieve the body of a trophy wife.

You'd think so, wouldn't you?

No, I can count on one hand how many lunch dates I've had in the past two years. (Hanging out with the other moms doing cafeteria duty doesn't really count.) I haven't had a mani/pedi since my second Mother's Day - and my oldest is almost 11. No one ever comes over for coffee because we're all already on our third cup by the time we wake our kids up for school. When I do step foot in a bookstore, it's usually only long enough to grab the next book in whatever series the kids are currently obsessed with, or to pick up the biography that one of them has to read for school. And that trophy wife thing? Well, that all depends on your definition, I guess. If you're looking for someone who's obviously carried (and nursed) a couple of ten-pound babies, desperately needs to see her hairdresser to cover the two inches of gray-streaked roots, and is currently wearing a t-shirt older than her kids, then yeah, I'm your woman.

Truth be told, these days it's all I can do to make the house passably presentable, get some food in the fridge, work on PTA stuff, spend a little time writing or walking on my treadmill, and do some laundry before it's time to pick up the kids from school. And we all know what the after school hours are like - lessons, practices, projects, homework, playtime, reading time, dinner/ bath/ bed, and the bane of most moms' existence, the elementary school reading log. I have just four hours between pick up and bedtime, and I make the most of it.

Ask the average husband; he has no idea what we do all day. Why would he? Sure, on some level, he "gets" that there's cleaning, errands, volunteering, laundry, kid-related stuff to do - but in a superficial way, much like I understand that binary code is somehow important to the inner workings of my computer, but I really don't get how it all works. And I don't have to. Someone else figured it all out for me, and now the thing just does what it does without my having to think about it. I think that my husband, like most husbands, is often like that: He doesn't really need to know every single mundane detail of the day, though he listens patiently and nods at the appropriate places. Really, he just needs to know that everything is running smoothly, efficiently, like my computer. I turn it on, it works, end of story. He comes home, appreciates that everything is taken care of; end of story.

So why do we moms always seem to  feel the need to justify our time? And who, exactly, is asking us to? Is it really our husbands? Why do so many of us feel defensive when they ask what we did today? When they ask, "Did you have time to wash my socks/ buy dog food/pick up the dry cleaning/get eighteen 8 x 12 foam sheets in various pastel colors for the Indian Princess bottle rocket craft that I need at 6:00 tonight but I just told you about right now?" are they making a statement about what we do all day, or just asking a question? When they ask, "So, what did you do today?" are they passing judgement or merely making conversation?

Let me tell you, I'm fairly certain that my husband has zero interest in hearing how it took me 90 minutes, four washes, and a LOT of OxyClean to remove the Gatorade stain from our daughter's favorite blue horse shirt that she wore last week to the barn (and which only cost $8, less than I spent on detergent and water to get it clean, but hey, whatever).  I bored myself just writing that sentence. And while he can appreciate the adorable additions to the playroom decor, I'm pretty sure he doesn't want the play-by-play, just the highlights - like SportsCenter, but without the annoying theme music.

Really, don't we do it to ourselves? And if so, why do we feel the need to remind ourselves how busy we are, how much work it is to run a home and care for kids and meet our obligations to our communities?  Why are we always posting on Facebook about how busy we are all the time? Don't ALL other women already get that? Every mom, working or at-home, knows exactly how much time and effort it takes to be all things to all people at all times.

Once, when my kids were tiny, I actually kept a running timetable of my day. For an entire week, I wrote down every single thing I did, every single minute of every single day and night. I then made my husband read it, so that he would finally, truly understand why I was so tired all the time. He got to noon on the first day, looked at me and said, "I'm exhausted just READING this!" Exactly.

No, no one actually asks me to justify my time - except for me. I have a constant conversation playing in my head that reads like a train schedule, down to the minute, what I've done, what I need to do, how much time has elapsed, how much time is left. It's mentally exhausting. It's ridiculous. And it's completely unnecessary.

So where does the "me" time fit in? Wherever you can find it! Wherever we MAKE it fit in! My friend Coley eats lunch - alone - at 10:00, just to have some time to herself before pre-school pick up. For Nina, it's an afternoon run - her three kids have to keep up, and no one is allowed to talk to her. My sister has no problem grabbing the remote from her pre-schooler and saying, "Mommy's shows now! Time for you to hit the playroom!" Even Superwoman Tina Fey finds time for herself: She grabs a fountain drink and wanders around Target, alone. Shoot, if she can do it, anyone can do it! For me, it's that first cup of coffee each morning before anyone else is awake, or a Saturday morning phone call to my best friend over a cup of coffee, or our weekly Thursday night glass of wine after our kids are  in bed. A few minutes of kid-free, chore-free, obligation-free time, and I'm a new woman, ready to take on any challenge.

Slacker Mom Says... find some time each day that belongs to you. Maybe it's reading the newspaper with a cup of coffee all by yourself, maybe it's bad reality TV on the DVR, maybe it's a trip to the bookstore that doesn't involve a train table or a visit to the children's section. Whatever it is, whatever your status, everyone needs "me" time. It makes us better moms, better wives, better people. No one's going to "give" it to us; we've got to make it happen. Next week, I've got a lunch date with a girlfriend. We're hitting our local taqueria for some salsa and gossip, and nothing short of a sick kid will stop us! I know I'll come back refreshed, renewed, ready to take on piles of homework and reading logs without complaint.