"Just" a Stay-At-Home Mom

Last weekend, most of the neighborhood was outdoors, enjoying unseasonably sunny and warm weather. I took a break from playing tag with my kids to chat with my neighbor, Tessa. With a baby and a full-time job, she's rarely home when I am, so I was glad for a chance to catch up. We chatted about kids, pets, and politics. At one point, she mentioned that her mom wanted her to quit her job and stay home with her baby. And then she said the words that send most stay-at-home moms off the deep end: "I don't think I could stay at home all day doing nothing. I'd get bored."

Now, she didn't mean any offense, and I certainly didn't take any. She's a nice person and her remark wasn't meant to be rude. I mean, really, we all do what's right for OUR families, and I don't think less of her for working any more than she thinks less of me for NOT working. But I realized that there's probably a gap between what working moms THINK we do all day and what we ACTUALLY do all day. As my friend Beth said, when she had her first baby, "Staying at home is harder than any job I've ever had. No lunch breaks to get things done, no bathroom breaks by yourself. Yeah, my career was WAY easier than this stay-at-home mom gig." When Tiff's last child started Kindergarten and her husband asked her what she'd do all day, she said, "Like I sit around watching soaps!" And my single friend Bobby Jo says, "I don't even HAVE kids and I could NEVER be bored at home. Too many things to do!"

When our kids are babies, there's so much hands-on care that goes into mothering that it's easy to see where our time goes. Our houses don't need to be perfect; our kids take priority. As my friend Maria says, "I didn't leave my law practice to scrub floors. I quit to raise my kids!" Playing with them, feeding, diapering, reading to them, convincing them that nighttime is for sleeping and not for playing, and that it's simply not socially acceptable to wake up smiling and happy and ready for breakfast at 5 AM - that's a full time job! We do all the things that a working mom's daycare provider does for her, just without the pay. Who has time for chores? But once the kids are in school? I thought I'd have TONS of free time once my youngest started Kindergarten two years ago. Oh, the plans I had! I'd work out every day! Reclaim my pre-baby size 4 body! Give myself regular manicures - AND pedicures! Have a spotless house! Meet my husband for romantic lunches mid-week! Put those baby pictures into a scrapbook instead of in a dusty box under my (even dustier and usually un-made) bed!

Yeah, right. In the past year, I've managed to meet my friend Jennifer for lunch exactly ONCE. We're both "home" and our kids are all in school. I may have time to paint my nails, but I don't have time to let them dry. Most of my closets are federally-designated disaster areas. So where does the time go?

I'll tell you where. By the time I get home from drop-off, I have exactly six hours until it's time to leave to pick them up again. Sounds like a lot, right? Ha. I spend a few hours on chores and errands and taking care of seven (seriously, what was I thinking?) pets. I volunteer in the kids' classrooms and for their extracurricular activities. (Sew antlers, jingle bells, and red ribbons on eight tiny reindeer costumes? Before tomorrow? Check. Organize the rehearsal schedules of 90 actors? Check. Finalize the snack schedule for the basketball team? Check.) I prep after school snacks and start dinner. I might sneak in an hour or two to write or edit.

Then it's back to school, and if the girls don't have a dance class, rehearsal, riding lesson, sports practice, playdate, church activity or allergy shots, it's home to have a snack, do homework, and work on school projects. (Yes, I'm the one who signed them up for all of that, and no, I'm not complaining. I love it all because they love it all.) Once that's done, I still have to get dinner on the table, take them for a bike ride or to the playground, read to them, make sure they do their chores and pack their backpacks and get out their school clothes (an increasingly stressful chore now that I have a pre-teen who is over 5 feet tall but too young for the teenage fashions that fit her), sign homework and reading logs (the bane of my existence), make lunches, pack (healthy! allergen free!) school snacks, wash and refill (stainless steel and BPA-free!) water bottles, sort through school papers and (multiple, endless copies of) school notices and handouts, help them wash their hair, and then get them to bed with prayers and songs and hugs and kisses and drinks of water and one last kiss, please Mommy please, PLEASE! And then my husband comes home from work, I make him dinner, we spend some time together, and before I know it, it's 10 PM and I still haven't done the dishes.

"Free time", my (still not a size 4) butt.

Working moms, I think you have it rough. I can't imagine working an eight-hour (or more!) day and then coming home and doing your full-time mommy job as well. You have to run errands and do chores on the weekend, or drag your kids around town after an already-full day. I don't know how you do it, and I don't know when you sleep. I'd like to buy you all a venti latte and bow down before you.

But while you are working and talking to adults and eating lunch with grown ups (without having to cut off crusts or slice grapes or wipe someone else's face), please don't make assumptions about what your at-home friends are doing. Just know that many of us who are "at-home" are actually at school, helping all of our children with reading and math, placing book orders, planning Thanksgiving feasts and rescuing lost Kindergartners on the first day of school, stapling and gluing endless little books, making copies for teachers, shelving library books, working on PTA fundraisers, chaperoning field trips, or watching your little darling kick a soccer ball at recess because budget cuts mean that there are no aides for playground duty. If I were working right now, I couldn't do any of it. And when I go back to work, that's it for me. Game over. But right now, while I can be "home", I'm doing what I can to support ALL of our kids. I can, so I do.

Slacker Mom Says... be supportive of all the moms in your life. Working or staying home, we're all just moms, facing the challenges of raising a family in difficult times. Those of us who stay home choose to be home, so we won't complain about our jobs, and we're doing the best we can. Those of us who work, whether because we have to or because we want to, are doing the best we can, too. Motherhood means making sacrifices, but it's also the best job in the world. Whether we work or not, we all give something up - money, time at home, job satisfaction, financial gain, sleep. Whether we work or not, we all get paid for being moms - sticky kisses, warm little hands in ours, unconditional love. And what could be better than that?