There's No "I" in Mommy

A couple of years ago, a beautiful fall morning found my husband (chief of the Indian Princess tribe; don't ask) and daughters getting ready for a tribal outing: a father/daughter hike and lunch date. Naturally, I was giddy with excitement over the prospect of a morning "off", and had my own little outing planned: hit the gym and then Barnes and Noble for the first pumpkin spice latte of the fall, grande, of course, and then a little browsing in any section other than the children's. I'd been looking forward to it all week. I'd even gone against my cardinal rule of letting Slacker Dad handle all things Indian Princess; I'd put sunscreen AND bug spray on the kids, packed his backpack for him, and loaded the car. (Is it wrong to be eager - I mean, helpful and considerate?)

But alas, it was not to be.

Mere minutes before their departure, my oldest daughter, given the directions, "Clean up your room before you leave!" decided to "clean up her room" by throwing her clean, folded clothes into the hamper. I guess she didn't want to put them away - again - but since this was, oh, the third time in as many days, and she'd been told that if it happened again she'd be grounded, guess what?

Uh, yeah, she got grounded. Meaning, in effect, that I ended up grounding myself. My day alone? Gone with the wind. The gym? Nope, they have a Wii in the kids' area that would be entirely too much fun for someone who was grounded. My trip to Starbucks? I wonder if pumpkin pie spice would work on drip coffee. Leisurely browsing the fiction section at the bookstore? Not so much. Reading an old "People" magazine just isn't the same.  Instead of a relaxed, off duty mom, there was an angry mommy asking, "Why? Why? WHY?" Over and over again. At top volume. Well, at least in my head. Out loud, angry mommy said slightly more appropriate things like, "Don't do the crime if you can't do the time!" and "Let the punishment fit the crime!" and a few more equally lame-sounding mommy-isms. (Did I mention I always wanted to be a criminal prosecutor? Like Susan Dey on "LA Law"?) Her dad and her sister took off for a fun-filled day, while she sat in her room and I played jail warden.

Frustrated at the change in plans, I posted something on Facebook about my

daughter's transgression. Some mommy friends thought the punishment was too
harsh, but my friend Tricia commented, "Glad to see that other parents out
there ground for pure disrespect." And that's it exactly: My child was
disrespectful. There was a demonstrated lack of respect for me, for the work I
do, for my time, for the natural and financial resources involved in re-washing
a load of laundry - not to mention the fact that I'd just told her NOT to do
that very thing or she'd be grounded. And yes, at nearly 8 years old, she'd become much more focused on herself, her wants, her friends, which is all normal and typical "tween" behavior - but that doesn't make it OK to just ignore
what your mother tells you. (And if you figure out at what age I CAN ignore
what my mother tells me, please let me know!)

Think I was harsh? A couple of years ago, my husband's friend Jose got tired of constantly telling his boys to turn off their video games when it was time to do homework, chores, go somewhere. He gave them a final warning: If he had torepeat himself, even once, the entire system would be gone. And what happened? You got it: The very next day, he told the boys to turn it off, but they didn't. Jose stomped over, yanked the joysticks out of their sweaty little hands, ripped the wires out of the TV, and threw everything - EVERYTHING - in the trash. Message received. You've never seen such well-behaved children. Those boys LISTEN. (And no, he didn't replace it. Nor did he allow Santa or Grandma to replace it. Game over, boys.)

Some parenting "guru" wrote that not following through with consequences is the same as lying to your kids. (I can't remember who. I might have read it in a book or maybe in a fortune cookie.) If you say, "Do it again and you'll be grounded" and then they do it again and you DON'T ground them, you weren't really telling the truth, were you? Can they count on your word for other things? And you've taught them a not-so-easily-unlearned lesson, namely that Mom doesn't always mean what she says.

I'll admit, I toyed with the idea of letting my daughter go on the outing, because I really wanted some time to myself. But that would have taught her entirely the wrong thing, that there aren't consequences for breaking the rules, and that she doesn't have to show respect for people, their work, their time. As hard as it was to give up my day alone, as hard as it was to watch her disappointment and disbelief as her daddy and sister left her behind, she got the point. Instead of going hiking and out to lunch, she re-washed all of her laundry, cleaned her room and bathroom, and studied - while I improvised and used the treadmill in my guest room and then sat on the couch with my coffee and magazines. And now? Those four hours bought me weeks of near-perfect behavior from this repeat offender, who has yet to be reincarcerated for breaking the terms of her parole - that is, she hasn't put any clean clothes in the hamper since. (AND she's learned to do laundry, so I've got that going for me. Talk about a two-fer.)

Sometimes it's hard to be a mom. Sometimes it breaks my heart to punish my kids, to take something away, whether it's a toy or the joy of spending a day outdoors with friends. But what's the alternative? Allow them to do whatever they want? That isn't good for them. We all know parents who do that, and sure, it's easier, SO much easier, in the short term. But Slacker Mom tries to practice long-term parenting. Even when it puts her back in baby jail. This parenting thing can be tough. To paraphrase author Carrie Adams, "there's a big difference between wanting a baby and wanting to be a parent. One is selfish; the other selfless." Good, effective parenting strives to be selfless, not selfish. After all, there's no I in Mommy. (But there is a Y, as in WHY? WHY? Dear God, WHY?)

Slacker Mom Says... don't be afraid to disappoint your kids, to say no, to follow through. They'll get over it. They will. We did, remember? Remember our goal as parents: to raise confident, well-adjusted kids who can go out into the world and survive, thrive, WITHOUT us. It's OK - more than that, it's healthy - to let them know what's expected of them, and then call them on it if they don't meet those expectations. In the real world, they'll have bosses, roommates, friends, professors, husbands and wives. None of these people will consistently let them off the hook; we have to teach them how to live with and learn from the consequences of their actions. We have to think long term, not short term. We have to do what's right, even when it's not popular, even when it's hard, even when our kids cry and complain. I had to give something up that morning, but what I got was much more important: a child who knows that there are consequences for her actions, and who knows that when Mom says something, Mom means it. That's worth more than the first pumpkin spice latte of the season. (I'm pretty sure, anyway.)

And let me tell you, that Saturday morning grounding? It happened over two years ago. That kid has never again tossed her clean laundry into her hamper. Not. Even. Once. (Now, I'm not saying she always puts it away without prompting, but that's another story.)