In Defense of the Common Guard Cobra

Just the other day I was talking to this guy over at the Auto Zone and he tells me that his place got robbed. What are you talking about, I said, don’t nobody going to rob my house.  You got to protect yourself. He said aw, I don’t know anything about all that and besides if I picked me up a little something the government would be all over me.

And that’s just what it comes down to these days. A man can’t even buy him a house cobra without worrying about The Man.

Me, I got probably 50 cobras around my place. I keep some in every room and always have two in my nightstand. People say why you need so many cobras and I say why don’t you need more cobras?  That’s what I tell them. And besides, what’s the right number of cobras – three? Twenty?  Who’s to say, that’s what I say.

But isn’t it illegal to have cobras, some ask me. You show me in the constitution where it says a man can’t keep a venom spitting snake for home protection. I know my rights.

My sister, she’s always trying to make a big deal out of it. What if they get loose, she says. Look, I’m not a fool. I keep my cobras locked up safe, ain’t none going to get out except for that one time those three got out on the porch while the mailman was handing me that package. Some people don’t have any common sense.  Don’t you know better than to knock on a stranger’s door just to give him a box? He might have a house full of cobras.

Another thing people say is what if somebody comes up and steals one of my cobras. That’s just stupid.  First of all, who’s going to steal a cobra, and second I got 49 other cobras to protect that one he’s trying to steal.

What about kids? That’s what my mama’s always saying because she’s worried about the grandkids, but listen: don’t nobody get hurt by a cobra unless they want to. A cobra is a tool just like any other. Use it right and nothing bad is going to happen.

And then there’s tree huggers always screaming where does it end? First it’s a cobra, next thing you know everybody has to have a black mamba or an anaconda. I say let them. Who are you to tell me I don’t need a 35 foot long eating machine to protect my family?

So I told this guy at the Auto Zone you got to get you a cobra or forty and protect your place. Don’t let nobody tell you you aren’t entitled, because when cobras are outlawed only outlaws will have cobras.