Controlling Anger Starts Early

By Sarah Hamaker

Why did one man attack another man over horn honking? That’s the question my 10-year-old daughter asked at the breakfast table after I had read a newspaper account of the incident aloud to my husband.

I started to reply that Librado Cena was simply angry, and that’s why William Hays O’Brien was dead. Then I thought about how earlier in the week, my six-year-old son had gotten upset at his younger brother and walloped him in anger. The six-year-old received punishment, but the story made me realize how important it was that parents help their children see the dangers of anger.

So I told the kids that the anger in Cena’s heart at the time of the attack was the same one in their hearts when they got upset at their siblings. That anger comes from within, and if they are not diligent in learning how to control it, it can rear its ugly head and trigger more than a punishment from Mom.

The children were visibly startled to think their actions in anger were the same as that man’s. Cena followed O’Brien to a parking lot and then attacked O’Brien, so it wasn’t a matter of the “heat of the moment.” Cena could have decided in the car to let it go, to shake off the annoyance of the situation, to continue on his way. But he didn’t, and now a man is dead. I’m sure if Cena could do turn back the clock, he would have kept driving.

The lesson for us as parent is twofold. First, we need to help our children realize that anger is a dangerous thing, that they need to learn how to control it in childhood or it will control them their entire life. Deliver consequences when anger is inappropriately displayed. Talk with them about coping mechanisms when they feel angry, such as counting to 10, breathing in and out slowly, walking away or going to their room for a cooling off period.

Second, we need to model good examples with our own anger management. We must watch how we react to life’s little annoyances, like the driver who cuts us off, the cashier who gave us the wrong change or the mess spilled milk made on the kitchen table. When we do blow up—and we’re only human, so we will have plenty of opportunities to put this into practice—we need to halt our tirades and make amends sincerely and swiftly.

By remembering that anger is merely an emotion that can be controlled, we can help equip our children so that they will be able to navigate life without having anger manage them. Of course, we can’t guarantee smooth sailing, but we should do all we can to help them keep the waters calm.  

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Sarah Hamaker is a certified Leadership Parenting Coach™ through the Rosemond Leadership Parenting Coach Institute. She’s also a freelance writer and editor. Sarah lives in Fairfax, Va., with her husband and four children. Visit her online at www.parentcoachnova.com and follow her on Twitter @novaparentcoach.