Four-Letter Words in an Eight-Year-Old Mouth

By Sarah Hamaker

Q: My eight-year-old daughter (a twin) has developed a bad habit of swearing or sassing us. She’s threatened to run away and other things whenever we correct her behavior or her homework. In addition, she says that we love her sister more than her. What can I do?

A: Some children are more dramatic than others, and it sounds as if one of your twins is the drama queen in your family. Her “you love my sister more than me” is a smokescreen to divert your attention from her misbehavior. All children with siblings (and probably some without) think at one point than another that they are not loved as much as the other family members. I remember thinking this same thing as a child at various times in my childhood. It’s only natural that she would feel that way when she’s being corrected—don’t we all feel unloved when our faults are pointed out, no matter how loving the correction?

Once you realize her tendency toward drama, you can help her learn to control those outbursts. First, stop micromanaging her, such as correcting her homework or standing over her as she does her chores. This doesn’t mean you stop paying attention to her; rather, it means you let her experience the natural consequences of her actions (i.e., her teacher assigns extra worksheets because of a failed homework assignment).

Second, use a ticket or strikes system with the swearing/sassy attitude. Basically, you give her two to three tickets or strikes each day, depending on who frequently she curses or is sassy to you on average. Provide a margin of error so that she can swear or be sassy and not lose all her tickets or strikes. Give concrete examples of swearing or sassiness (such as “In your face” or “Whatever” in response to direct instruction from you). When all tickets are gone or strikes given out, she’s sent to her room (striped of all play value) for the rest of the day and to bed directly after supper, which is moved up to an early time.

Finally, keep calm in the face of her swearing or sassiness. Simply direct her to take a ticket or inform her she’s incurred a strike and move on.

Also don’t react to her laments about your not loving her as much as her sister. If you absolutely must say something, shrug and comment, “I’d probably feel the same way at your age.”

For more tips on the ticket system, read John Rosemond’s The Well Behaved Child.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah with Parenting Question in the subject line. Sign up for Practical Parenting, Sarah’s a free, monthly e-newsletter with commonsense advice on child rearing, by visiting www.parentcoachnova.com and clicking on the newsletter tab.

Sarah Hamaker is a certified Leadership Parenting Coach™ through the Rosemond Leadership Parenting Coach Institute. She’s also a freelance writer and editor. Sarah lives in Fairfax, Va., with her husband and four children. Visit her online at www.parentcoachnova.com and follow her on Twitter @novaparentcoach.