Play Fighting

By Sarah Hamaker

Q: My preteen son and his friend often play fight: slapping, kicking, hitting, etc. Recently, the boy slapped my son in the face several times, laughing. My son said he wasn’t hurt, but he did ask his friend to stop, and the friend did not. I think things are beginning to spiral out of control. I’ve told my son that this isn’t the way to behave (and he’s been doing it to some extent as well), but now I’m wondering if I should do more.

A: Some children have a hard time knowing how to behave with friends. Sometimes, it’s over-sharing too much information, or being on different maturity levels. It’s hard to know when to intervene and when to let them figure things out on their own.

In a case like this, you need to step in before someone gets hurt, especially because he seems unable to do this himself. It seems like these two need a break from each other in order to re-start their friendship on a non-violent level.

Tell your son that he can no longer hang out with this friend during school or after school, that you think they need an extended cooling off period. Put a time limit on it, so it won’t seem like punishment (like until the end of the school year). Call the boy’s parents and tell them of your decision—in an nonjudgmental way because, as you mention, your son has been a willing participant.

A few years ago, one of my children had been having a hard time playing nice with a friend, so I separated them for about six months. My kid needed some time to mature, and the two resumed their friendship on a much more even keel.

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Sarah Hamaker is a certified Leadership Parenting Coach™ through the Rosemond Leadership Parenting Coach Institute. She’s also a freelance writer and editor. Sarah lives in Fairfax, Va., with her husband and four children. Visit her online at www.parentcoachnova.com and follow her on Twitter @novaparentcoach.