Standing Up

By Sarah Hamaker

Q: Our daughter was at church party and had a wonderful time. However, when she came home, I noticed a red mark on her arm. She said another child had grabbed her arm and twisted it. Our daughter said she told the other girl to stop, but that she wouldn’t but did so when a grownup walked towards them. Our daughter was too upset to say anything to the grownup and said that the adult didn’t see what had happened. She didn’t want to talk about it anymore. What should I do? I don’t want this to happen again.

A: One of the unfortunate things of life is that children will encounter other kids who hurt them, either physically or emotionally. You want to protect your kids, but you can’t be with them 24/7—nor should you be that type of parent. However, you should teach your children what to do when something like the arm-twisting happens.

First, tell your daughter that what the other girl did was wrong. A matter-of-fact statement will suffice but make sure she’s listening and understands you are on her side.

Second, role play with her on what to do if a similar situation happens again. Have your daughter pretend to grab your arm, then you say in a loud voice, “Stop that, you’re hurting me. Let go.” Have her practice with you a few times so she feels comfortable with the language and assertiveness of the statement.

Third, tell your daughter that name calling and teasing that makes her uncomfortable are also forms of bullying and should be stopped the same way. Phrases like, “Stop saying that,” and “I’m leaving because you’re not talking nice” are good ones for her to memorize.

Fourth, remind her that her job is to leave the situation as quickly as possible and to find an adult to report the incident. Emphasize that it isn’t tattling to let a teacher or leader or other parent know of the situation.

Fifth, also encourage her to help other kids in a similar situation, by saying things like, “Stop doing that. Come on, let’s leave” and taking the other child’s hand to help remove her from the situation.

Sixth, revisit the topic every once in a while to check in with her, but don’t go over it again and again. You don’t want her to see bullies around every corner, but you do want her to be prepared when she encounters one again.

How have you helped your kids with bully encounters?

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah with Parenting Question in the subject line. Sign up for Practical Parenting, Sarah’s a free, monthly e-newsletter with commonsense advice on child rearing, by visiting www.parentcoachnova.com and clicking on the newsletter tab.

Sarah Hamaker is a certified Leadership Parenting Coach™ through the Rosemond Leadership Parenting Coach Institute. She’s also a freelance writer and editor. Sarah lives in Fairfax, Va., with her husband and four children. Visit her online at www.parentcoachnova.com and follow her on Twitter @novaparentcoach.