Bribing Kids

The scene: You arrive at the restaurant for your friend’s birthday celebration, third grader in tow because a last minute mix-up with your spouse left you without childcare. Do you…

A)    Offer Junior that video game he’s been pestering you about if he behaves himself.

B)     Sit him down with his bag of books and toys.

Most of us would probably go with option A in the hopes that the thought of a prize will elicit good behavior. And that might do the trick—for an evening’s peace, that is.

That’s what behavior modification is all about when it relates to child-rearing: To correct misbehavior in children, you only need to find the right combination of reward and punishment. Holding out the right enticement will motivate the child want to do the right thing. Seems to work in our restaurant example, right? But what about the next time?

Here’s an example of that principle in action. If you promise an ice cream cone to your daughter if she picks up her toys, then, if she likes ice cream, she picks up her toys and is rewarded with an ice cream cone.

However, a week goes by and suddenly, the ice cream cone isn’t enough to entice obedience. Now you have to up the ante to a hot fudge sundae. Soon, you’re buying ice cream cakes with a side dish of straight chocolate sauce just to get her to do what an ice cream cone accomplished in the beginning.

That’s the ugly reality of the Saturation Principle, which states that sooner or later, any child will reach a saturation point with any reward, at which point the reward will cease to be motivating.

That’s why bribes never really work. Sure, sometimes a kid will say yes to whatever enticement you offer, but pretty soon, all your pleading and offerings in the world aren’t going to motivate him to do what you ask.

How do you motivate your child to do the right thing without a tangible reward? That’s where Alpha Speech comes into play. Alpha Speech is authoritative speech. It’s not authoritarian but as a leader talks. You’re coming at parenting from a position of leadership. After all, you’re leading your children from childhood to adulthood, so you should act like you know what you’re doing.

For parents, being an effective leader means not being popular with your children; making hard decisions your children will not like or understand until they themselves are parents; and giving clear instructions without explanations. A leader uses Alpha Speech to inspire his employees to the right thing, and so can a parent. Alpha Speech is based on The Short and Sweet Principle, which states that the fewer words a parent uses when giving instructions or conveying expectations, the more likely it is that the child will obey.

Doesn’t that sound lovely, to say something and know that the vast majority of the time, you won’t get an argument but obedience? That you can leave the bribes behind for good?

By saying what you mean and meaning what you say in as few words as strictly necessary, you will transform your parenting from pleading to authoritative —and in the process move your children from nonconformists into obedience.

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah with Parenting Question in the subject line. Sign up for Practical Parenting, Sarah’s a free, monthly e-newsletter with commonsense advice on child rearing, by visiting www.parentcoachnova.com and clicking on the newsletter tab.

Sarah Hamaker is a certified Leadership Parenting Coach™ through the Rosemond Leadership Parenting Coach Institute. She’s also a freelance writer and editor. Sarah lives in Fairfax, Va., with her husband and four children. Visit her online at www.parentcoachnova.com and follow her on Twitter @novaparentcoach.