Deployment Anxiety

Q: Our 8-year-old daughter became anxious about 9 months ago when her father was deployed for six months, we had a new baby and we moved. She started moving her hands constantly and then refused to sit on the loveseat because she was afraid of being sick. Now things are getting worse, with her making comments that “my school work has to be perfect or something bad will happen.” The list goes on and on.

A: That list would make anyone anxious, much less a child, but while an adult can talk herself out of fears, a child cannot as easily do so. It’s not clear from your question how you’re dealing with her anxiousness but I’ll hazard a guess that you’re spending a lot of time talking to her about her fears. Unfortunately, that only serves to make the fears and anxiety more real to a child, as one that young hasn’t developed the brain capability to think logically. So the more you talk about a fear to a child, the more a child interprets that as validation for that fear. What helps an adult—talking about the fear—actually increases that fear in a child.

What you can do is to stop talking about her fears. If she doesn’t want to sit on the loveseat, don’t make a big deal about it. If she constantly does something, like making hand motions, tell her she can do that but only in her room with the door closed. Sometimes, not having an audience for something will help the child break that habit. For schoolwork, set a timer and tell her that when it dings, she has to put away her homework for the night. At age 8, a few incomplete homework assignments are not going to mar his academic record. She will quickly figure out how to do it within the allotted time and by setting a timer, you will help her move on rather than linger until it’s “perfect.”

At 8, she can also do many chores around the house and help with the baby. She can clear and set the table, vacuum, clean the bathrooms, mop the kitchen floor, bring you diapers and watch the baby in a swing or other stationary baby device. Chores and babysitting will make her feel more connected to the family and should help ease some of her anxiety.

Lastly, watch what you say to other adults within her earshot. She might have eavesdropped and heard you talking about your husband to family members, etc., and that might feed her fears as well. Children don’t process things as well as adults do, especially half-heard or half-understood things.

Early in 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

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Sarah Hamaker is a certified Leadership Parenting Coach™ through the Rosemond Leadership Parenting Coach Institute. She’s also a freelance writer and editor. Sarah lives in Fairfax, Va., with her husband and four children. Visit her online at www.parentcoachnova.com and follow her on Twitter @novaparentcoach.