Odd Woman Out

Q: Our teenage daughter plays on soccer team. She’s a very strong player, and I think the most serious girl on the team. At practices and other times the team is together, three of the girls whisper among themselves, and exclude her on purpose. She’s not looking to be best friends, but she needs to get along to play well on the team. I think this is just part of growing up, but my heart aches for her!

 A: Ah, the trials of being a teenage girl! Girls this age can change likes and dislikes in the blink of an eye, as I’m sure you’ve observed. Girls also can be hurtful to others who they perceive are different. One of the hardest things as parents is that we can’t make our children liked by other kids. We can—and should—teach our children to have generous hearts, to always thing the best of others, to be a true friend, but that won’t inoculate them from the hurt that inevitably comes from growing up.

It sounds like your daughter realizes that she can’t make those girls like her. What she can do is to continue treating them as she would want to be treated. That might not make a difference in how those girls act, but it will be good for your daughter to learn to rise above the pettiness of others. Do keep an eye on things to ensure the girls aren’t becoming bullies on and off the field. Whisper campaigns that move beyond the present and online can do a lot of damage, so you’ll want to keep discrete tabs on your daughter’s social media usage to ensure she’s okay.

Also keep an open door with her about this. Emphasize with her from a distance, but don’t overly discuss it, as that can make it seem bigger than it is. If things get too uncomfortable for her—if she’s not able to play as well as she should because of the girls’ clique—then you might consider moving her to a different team, even if it means she won’t be playing on the “best” team for her abilities. Her mental well being is more important than any team, and as many of us can attest to, some scars from high school carry long shadows.

The main thing is for you to not step in unless you see things start to escalate or you see that she’s not able to handle the situation. We can’t fix all the hurts our children face, but we can stand behind them as they navigate through the crisis.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah with Parenting Question in the subject line. Sign up for Practical Parenting, Sarah’s a free, monthly e-newsletter with commonsense advice on child rearing, by visiting www.parentcoachnova.com and clicking on the newsletter tab.

Sarah Hamaker is a certified Leadership Parenting Coach™ through the Rosemond Leadership Parenting Coach Institute. She’s also a freelance writer and editor. Sarah lives in Fairfax, Va., with her husband and four children. Visit her online at www.parentcoachnova.com and follow her on Twitter @novaparentcoach.