MEDIATING WITH A 5 YEAR OLD

WHO IS THE BOSS?

MEDIATING WITH A 5 YEAR OLD

I was blessed five years ago with a lovely granddaughter.  It was the most wonderful thing to happen in my world.  She had that ‘new baby’ smell.  Giggling and squealing with delight at bath time.  Cuddling in my lap and falling asleep for her frequent naps.  She was so easily amused and entertained.  Where did that angel go?  Who has taken my grandchild and replaced her with a ‘boss’?  What caused her to be adamant, impatient and sometimes down right cranky?  I remember exactly when it happened; on her 5^th birthday.  “No” or reasoning was no longer acceptable to her.  If she wanted something, she had the determination to ask at least 1,000 times without blinking an eye.  I was perplexed and ready to deliver her back to her parents who were also suffering from her desire to totally dominate.  I decided it was time to turn to the University of Georgia and some information on 5 year olds.  I wanted to know how to change this behavior before my darling became out of control, or worse, a teen.

RULES

The first thing I learned is that there are rules for making rules.  I also learned that children actually like rules and limits as it teaches them how to behave.  Sometimes, poor behavior is actually the child forcing the adult to set boundaries.  Since setting boundaries is a teaching tool, it is important not to threaten the child, name call or raise your voice.  Showing your frustration only insults the child, makes them angry and teaches bad behavior.  You have to become ‘smarter than the average bear’ to deal with 5 year olds.

Here are a few guidelines:

• Rules should be necessary.

Don’t overburden the child. Keep it simple.

• Rules should be realistic.

Make sure the behaviors you expect are things the child can reasonably do.

• Rules should include a positive statement.

Explain what you want.  Start your statements with a positive such as ‘please’.

• Rules should have reasons.

Help children understand that rules exist to keep them safe and help them get along with others.

• Rules should be enforced consistently.

This is the hard part for the caretaker.  Children must know that there are consequences for breaking the rules. 

• Be both firm and kind.

Children respond more positively to firm and kind than taking on a ‘mean’ persona.  Just remember firm and mean are not the same.

• Be Consistent.

Follow through.  Many times, this one has to do with being busy, responding to other household members needs, including your own.  It is hard to get to everyone and everything.  This is most important, if you make a rule, you must follow through.

• Don’t criticize the child.

This lowers self-esteem.  Emphasize that you expect good behavior because you love them. Criticize the action and not the child.

• Don’t give in to embarrassment.

If the child is misbehaving in public, do not become embarrassed; just remove them from the situation. 

• Refuse to fight or give in.

Children will test your limits.  Never argue with them, simply restate the rule and continue enforcing the consequences.

Now that we have some guidelines about rule setting, the hard part comes into play.  What about the consequences.  What do you select for punishment?  How do you enforce these rules?  What is it that will create a desire in the child to change their behavior?

I am going to give you some age appropriate examples and suggestions.

I am a fortunate grandparent.  I have my granddaughter every weekend due to her parent’s work schedules.  I get her on Friday when I leave work and she is with me until Sunday afternoon.  I must have rules. 

CONSEQUENCES

• When you notice non compliance, make direct eye contact and issue a gentle reminder.

• Should the reminder be ineffective, begin to think of an effective consequence

• Continued misbehavior requires a warning of the consequences.  Move closer and maintain prolonged eye contact.

• Be specific regarding the consequences and the time frame to comply.

• Move away and give the child the opportunity to comply.

• If the warning does not work, the consequences apply.

• Ignore whining, crying or expressions of anger.

SOME CONSEQUENCES AND PUNISHMENT METHODS TO CONSIDER

The ‘Refrigerator’ Punishment

When my granddaughter arrives on Friday afternoon after we visit for awhile, we take a blank paper.  We place three squares on the paper and tape it to the refrigerator.   For each time she exhibits negative behavior (for example telling me ‘no’ or begging for sweets), if she does not respond to my warning, she earns an X in one of the squares.  When she gets three X’s, she is on a ‘time out’ in her room with no TV.  This worked so well that she has never had a time out.  I usually give her a busy project so that I can do chores.  When she attempts to distract me, I just have to look at the refrigerator and she sits down and gets busy coloring, painting or working on a project. She is proud to check the refrigerator for her clean paper.  I praise her as the weekend progresses.  I have been amazed how seriously she takes these X’s.  

The ‘Time Out’ Scenario

‘Time Out’ is a good one.  This gives both the parent and the child a little space to cool-down.  It separates the child from others creating a type of ‘social isolation’.  This teaches the child that to be included in the social group, he/she must follow the rules of social behavior. 

The ‘Extra Chores’ Penalty

This one can be useful for 5 years old and up.  It can also make your list of chores slightly shorter.

The ‘Early Bedtime’ Reprimand

Poor behavior can sometimes be related to stress and fatigue.  Children seem to become over stimulated and irritable.  Early bedtime can correct the behavior and the fatigue.

These are just a few examples of how behavior can be modified.  It is up to you to find the best method for your children.  Just remember how impressionable their minds are.  It is so important that we always maintain a positive attitude with them.  Anything we say at such a tender age can shape the future of the child and affect their self esteem or self image.  Try not to start your sentences with ‘you’.  This can place a heavy burden on a child that can last a lifetime.  Start sentences with something like “it’s not okay to…” or “perhaps we should think about…”

I know I am happy with our ‘Refrigerator X’ system.  She will grow older and we may have to come up with a new system.  For now, Maranda always enjoys hearing her MiMi say “good girl Maranda, no X’s this weekend”.  She just smiles and struts proudly away for the week.