Five ways to fight better with your spouse

Conflict is an inevitable part of all intimate relationships. Studies have shown that the difference between happy and unhappy couples is not whether they argue, but how they argue. If you follow these steps, you will have better fights with your partner. A word of caution: these aren’t easy and will take practice. But you will find that they are worth the effort.

Complain, don’t criticize

Complaining and criticizing are two totally different things. A criticism is about a personality flaw. A complaint is about specific behavior or set of behaviors. Compare the statement, “all you do is play golf on the weekends. You only think about yourself” (criticism) with “when you’re out all day playing golf, I end up taking care of everything on my own. I feel abandoned and alone.” Complaints are far more effective than criticisms when you want to fight better.

Go to bed angry

Who ever said, “don’t go to bed angry” didn’t know the couples’ research. It’s been shown that couples only escalate conflict when they don’t have time to cool down. This is fairly intuitive. Who can do anything productive, like resolve conflict, when upset? A good (or even not-so-good) night’s sleep can provide that cooling down period.

A very common couples’ dynamic is when one person wants immediate resolution (the pursuer) and the other wants space (the pursued). If you are the pursuer, it’s helpful if you can allow your partner some time to him or herself. This is often tough because pursuers can feel abandoned by their spouses’ withdrawal. If you’re the pursued, it can be helpful to provide reassurance that you’ll be ready to talk when you’ve had some time to decompress.

Focus on feelings not fault

Finding fault with your partner’s behavior puts him or her on the defensive. It is far more effective to describe how your partner’s behavior makes you feel than telling him or her what he or she’s doing wrong. Say your husband goes off on his own on the weekends when you were hoping he’d be around. Telling him he’s being thoughtless or self-centered will most likely antagonize him. However, if you tell him that his behavior makes you feel unimportant and neglected, or alone in fending for yourself with the kids, chances are he’ll be more open to listening. Identifying the impact his behavior has on you shifts the focus from what he is doing wrong to what he can do differently.

Focus on the future not the past

This follows from the last point. We can’t change what we did in the past but we can change what we do in the future. If you dwell on what your partner has done wrong, he or she can feel discouraged—how can you feel like your relationship can improve if your partner rehashes things you can’t do anything about? If you focus on what you’d like your partner to do in the future, he can feel like he can make a difference.

Never put your partner down

I almost never use the word “never” with a few exceptions. This is one of them. Research has found that contempt is poison to a relationship. Partners who disparage or mock each other, even sometimes, are the unhappiest of all couples and are the most likely to divorce. In fact, couples who express contempt are actually more likely to get sick—research has shown that contempt in a relationship depresses partners’ immune systems.

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