How to reduce conflict in your marriage

Conflict is part of all relationships. In an intimate relationship, where the stakes are high and feelings run deep, conflict is inevitable. However, conflict can wear at the fabric of a relationship if it is frequent, or if it crowds out affection, love, and support.

The best research on conflict in couples was done by John Gottman, the guru couples’ research. In one study, Gottman took a sample of high conflict couples and separated them into two treatment groups. One group learned conflict resolution skills and the other group focused on improving what he calls the “marital friendship”. Couples in this second group worked on building trust, good will, and empathy in their relationships. Gottman found that couples who strengthened their friendship reduced conflict to a much greater extent than those who learned conflict resolution skills.

In another set of studies, Gottman wanted to find out if there was a linear relationship between conflict and marital distress. He wanted to know, “do happier couples fight less than unhappy ones?” The answer he learned was, not necessarily. He found that some happy couples actually fought more than unhappy ones. So what made these happy couples happy? The number of positive interactions these happy couples had was much higher than their unhappy counterparts.

In fact, Gottman found that happy couples had a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. Positive interactions are ones that express joy, humor, affection, validation and support. Negative interactions were ones express anger, belligerence or defensiveness. As compared with the happy couples’ 5:1 postive to negative interactions, unhappy couples had a ratio 1:1. The bottom line is one positive for every one negative interaction isn’t neutral. It leads to marital distress. What this also means that even couples who don’t have much conflict may be unhappy if they also don’t have much joy, support, and love.

So what is the take home message from these two sets of studies? If you want to reduce conflict in your relationship, focus on increasing the positive rather than reducing the negative. Look for opportunities to improve your friendship with your spouse. Look for ways to express affection, and support. Look for opportunities to generate good will and trust. Be kind. Be empathic.

If you’re reading this and say, “but what if I don’t feel like being supportive and affectionate? What if I have a lot of anger and not much empathy?” If this is the case, it might be time to seek professional help for you relationship.

If you found this helpful, please check in to find future posts on relationships and parenting. You can also find information more information on my website: drtamarafeldman.com