Today was day one of my marathon training. Officially anyway. I spent some time praying for rain so I had a reason to skip the first run, playing with my iPod to get the set list just right, and finding energy to get out there. Once I finally got my act together, found my sneakers, said goodbye to the dogs 100 times, I was off. I put on my headphones and pressed play on my iPod to start myself moving. I walked to the end of my block then once the music picked up tempo I started running (OK snail pace jog). I thought for my first day out I would take it really easy and do a quick mile.
Within the first few blocks I wanted to die, and it reminded me of the very first time I ran in my adult life. It was about five years ago and I had just lost 50 pounds. Feeling pretty proud of myself I had gotten into a routine of walking about a mile or so a few days a week. One day on my walk I had a crazy thought: “What would it feel like to run?” so I did, for five whole pavement squares. Now for the first 10 seconds a feeling of pure joy came over me as I realized I was running in this new healthier body. Then a new feeling came over me, a feeling that I wanted to die. I was out of breath my heart was beating hard and I was doubting why I ever wanted to do it in the first place. However on that very same walk on my way home those same five pavement squares were calling my name. So I ran them again. The next time I ran six pavement squares, then 10, then half a block, then a block plus across the street to the curb. Slowly, very slowly I ran further and further until the very first time I ran a full mile.
There is no better feeling than when you accomplish something you never thought you could do. So today when I wanted to die I had to shake the feeling and keep moving. Knowing full well that I am capable and able to keep going and not give in to my feelings of failure. And that is what I did for two miles. At times it was hard but I just pushed the negative thoughts out and filled my brain with positive ones, and when I couldn’t do that, I counted the pavement squares.
